"Your heart was created to be broken"

Over the last several years I've had what seems to me, all too many opportunities to experience what it feels like to have my heart shatter into a thousand pieces.  Heartache has become a constant companion to me on an often very lonely road.  As I've wandered that lonely road, I've frequently wondered why this life incessantly feels as though I'm treading it barefoot with shards of broken glass strewn across my path.

I'm not going to use this post as a whine fest for all the occurrences that have led me to feel the cumulative heartache that I do.  I do, however, feel the desire to share an experience that happened rather recently because although immensely painful and personal, it has opened the doors for me in gaining some extremely humbling insight as to why our hearts are allowed to hurt as much as the do throughout our sojourn on this earth.  As always, out of respect for the privacy of others involved, I'll keep the details to a minimum. 

The Back Story

I've been divorced now for over 4 years.  I want more than anything to belong to a family again.  Of course, I have Collin and Eden and we are a family and always will be.  My love for them is immeasurable and continues to grow every single day.  But, there is obviously something missing in our family setup.  Their dad is a bachelor that doesn't have anyone to love and no one who loves him either.  I've had conversations with my kids over the years, conversations I never ever would've anticipated having with my children.  Conversations about dating, crushes, hopes for relationship potential and now, broken hearts.  Both Collin and Eden in their own little ways, on multiple occasions, have expressed anxieties that I will always be alone.  Their mom got remarried and moved on years ago and they worry because I'm still alone.  It pains me that on my account, my kids, who are so little, have thoughts like this even cross their minds, let alone spend time worrying about them.

Truth be told, I've worried the same thing for a long time.  I've questioned my self-worth in every facet of my life but, especially I've questioned my ability to be a good husband and partner- One worth keeping around for a lifetime let alone eternity.  I can't begin to count how many times I've contemplated how terrified I'd be for poor little Eden if she ever brought home a guy like me one day.  It's pretty difficult to have much of a desire to want to get out there and date with serious intent and move on when I've felt the way I do about myself.  On top of my lack of confidence in this regard and my disdain for the thought of ever hurting someone I love again, I have also developed an unhealthy fear of getting in to a situation where there'd be the lingering possibility of me being left for the second time.

As a natural consequence to pain/fear, my subconscious over the years got to work building the walls around my heart as thick and fortified as possible.  Surround those walls with a moat with lava and I'd be nice and protected, right?  I suppose I unintentionally accepted the fallacy that if you don't allow anyone or anything in close to you then the potential of getting your heart broken is reduced.  I actually still believe there is some truth to that mentality but, it's most certainly flawed thinking at best.  And what a loveless, meaningless, miserable way to live!

Naturally, since this is my story, it wouldn't be complete without sprinkling a little complexity into the mix.  So, as time went on, I found myself torn between my fears and the hell that is loneliness.  I didn't want to be alone but, I didn't want to set myself up to get hurt by letting someone in either.  Conversely, I didn't want to hurt anyone else ever again but, I did want a second chance to be someone's one and only sweetheart.  But, by letting someone in, potentially hurting them would once more be a real possibility (the thought of which makes me physically ill).  So, the battles between my do-the-world-a-favor-and-stay-in-your-hole mentality and my longing to feel purpose and belonging raged on.  I guess I got to the point where my emotions wore out from the constant struggle and finally decided to call a truce and the compromise would be-I could come out of my hermit hole and start dating, just as long as I agreed to keep everyone outside on the perimeter beyond the moat with lava.  That way, if I kept everyone outside the walls and left as much emotion out of things as possible, I wouldn't get hurt.  They wouldn't get hurt.  And I wouldn't have to be totally alone all the time.  At the time, it seemed like a reasonable compromise.  Turns out, it was a disastrous lie I was telling myself.  It wasn't a set up that prevented people from getting hurt, it was a recipe that ensured everyone I came in contact with WOULD get hurt.  By operating this way, (however inadvertently) I was committing emotional suicide and ended up slitting the throat of my ability to love.  I could literally feel my soul's capability to love passing away.

That leads to December 2013 thru the beginning of January 2014.  Right as I was beginning to fear that my capacity to love had all but, bled entirely out, I was completely blindsided by (just like George Straight sang in his song "Out of the Blue Clear Sky") someone who entered my life.  She was the most beautiful woman inside and out I'd ever met in my 35 years of being alive.  I had never experienced a connection with somebody that was so special.  To my astonishment, she came into my world and completely leveled the walls I had spent so long building around my heart.  I didn't "let her in".  I didn't have to.  Without any permission from me, she innately walked straight through all my defenses and touched my ice cold, broken heart.  Through my interaction with her, I learned very quickly that my heart wasn't broken beyond repair.  I was still capable of feeling.  Still capable of healing.  Still capable of loving.

Through our association I also quickly came to the harsh realization that the "truce" my fears and loneliness had made and my resulting behavior was all wrong and I need it to end instantly.  That harsh realization carried with it the intense distress that comes when you've got all the things in your life that you know you've got to change glaring you squarely in the face, taunting you.  Yet, because of the gentle miracle that this girl has so unexpectedly become in my life, I felt hope that I can't remember ever feeling before.  Not only did I feel like it was possible for me to love once again, she did for me the impossible- She also made me feel like I was a person that was worth loving, a person that was worth standing beside-a belief that had died inside me a long long time ago.  She was so caring, so nonjudgmental, so supportive, and I felt the combination of our personalites was special in an unparallelled way.  In essence, because of who she is and how we were together, I can say I experienced for the first time in my life what it's like to not just have a crush but, to be truly smitten.

I was scared but, hopeful.  So thankful yet, so undeserving.  I was in utter disbelief yet, revitalized with the prospects of what the future might hold.  And then like a fleeting early morning dream, just as quickly as she came into my life, she was gone again.  The most wonderful relationship experience I've ever had in my life and it was over as fast as it began.  So, there I was, standing helpless with my freshly exposed vulnerable heart, surrounded by nothing more than the remnants of the walls that "protected" me for so long and I found myself, once again, entirely alone.  What seemed like a heavenly dream transformed into my saddest nightmare.  Unfortunately, yet another nightmare in my life I don't ever get to wake up from.

Throughout my life I've learned what most everyone else learns as well: Heart break comes in all sorts of varieties.  The reason this experience has been so painful to me is because of a couple of reasons.  First is because of the rarity of the connection that was there between us.  I'm not brave enough or delusional enough to fabricate in my mind the connection that was there.  We both felt it and both acknowledged it.  So to go from not ever experiencing that before to having experienced it to experiencing it go away, it's introduced me to a whole new level of heartache.  The second reason this experience has been so painful is because it has the common thread that seems to dog me in almost every instance of heart break and disappointment I experience-the reason is me.  I'm human.  I make mistakes.  As a result, I carry with me the weight of knowing that I may very well have lost what could've been the best thing ever to enter my life because of the simple fact that I hadn't been living in a way that would've rendered me prepared. 

Collin and Eden are not only unfairly adorable and hilarious, they are very perceptive.  They could tell there was a change in me when I met this girl.  It's hard because I do everything I can to protect those two little angels from as much of my mess as possible.  But, I'm also a horrible faker.  They ask how things are going with her because they are genuinely concerned about my happiness and well being.  I don't want to give them reason to worry about me when things aren't going well so I try and keep things fairly vague and very age appropriate.  They aren't stupid though and can read me like a book.  Earlier last week Eden, knowing I hadn't heard from her in a while, asked me if I miss her (meaning this girl).  I said that I do.  Not long after that, Eden came back and gave me a picture she had drawn of her complete with her "long pretty dark brown hair" so I could "look at the picture and wouldn't have to miss her as bad."  Remember, this is coming from a 5 year old.  Collin being Collin-the ever optimist will try and lift me up with all the positive possibilities: "Don't worry dad, I'm sure she just probably doesn't have reception."  Or " Maybe she can't message you cause her WiFi is down."  "One of her kids was probably playing with her phone and dropped it in the toilet or something."  It completely blows knowing that as much as I wish that any one of those were the case, the reality is, the reasons she's gone away is because I'm me and somehow managed to screw things up alfreakinready.  How exactly does a dad tell THAT to his son who, for the moment, looks up to him?  Of course, in an effort to not worry them, I put on my brave face when we're together but, right behind my stiff upper lip are my eyes which can't hide the sadness.

Eden's drawing complete with her "long pretty dark brown hair"

As a side note, I have had sleeping problems ever since I turned 17 years old.  As a result, many of my sleepless nights are spent thinking.  I can't say that the time spent thinking is always a good thing, especially when I'm hurting.  For me personally, a broken heart and late late nights are a breeding ground for destructive thinking.  With so much time alone in the darkness it's almost a guarantee I'm in for a self-inflicted flogging because time to dwell on mistakes spawn regret.  Regret spawns intense pain.  Being all too aware that I'm the cause of pain in the first place breeds self-loathing.  Self-loathing obligates me to punish myself over and over for all the things I've ever done wrong.

Anyway, the last few weeks have been particularly hard on my heart.  A couple of weeks ago I was laying in my bed and everything just hurt so bad.  I laid there wishing she could know how much she meant to me.  I laid there wishing it would somehow matter even if she did.  I laid there tormented by the fact that my stupidity is always why I lose the greatest things in my life.  As the agony of it all bordered on the unbearable, I could feel my body once again curling up to the all-too-familiar fetal position I find myself in as I tried unsuccessfully to hold back the tears.  I laid there so hurt that God would allow her to come into my life knowing I wasn't ready for her.

While I laid there hurting like hell and the intensity of my own heartache almost to great to bear, my mind began to drift from my pain as I thought of all the other people I care about who are currently experiencing heartbreak as well.  I thought of my dear cousin who just lost a baby boy at child birth. 
I thought abut the several friends I have right now that have been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer.  I thought of the wonderful women in my life that want nothing more than to get married and have a family yet, they remain single year after year as the clock ticks on.  I thought of the couples that I know that ache to be parents yet, for whatever reason aren't able to have kids.  I thought of the injustice that abuse is and all of it's vile forms that seem to be so prevalent in this world.  Many people I know and love have been required to endure it and to endure it by those that were supposed to love and protect them, many from the age of innocence.  The heartache and distress that comes with job loss, hunger, bulling, disappointment, failed marriages, betrayal, addiction, war, death...The list just spiraled and spiraled until I thought I was going to be swallowed up in the agony and my lack of understanding for the purpose of it all...

The Lessons I'm learning

With the intensity of the the heartache reaching a fever pitch, I weakly cried out in my mind "Why Father?  Why so much pain and heartache?!?"  I normally don't feel like I get answers to my prayers very often at all and it's even rarer that I get what I feel are immediate answers to my prayers.  Especially to the (usually) useless question of why?  But, as soon as I asked, the thought came into my head and it was very simple and clear-"Your heart was created to be broken."  Feeling even more defeated after hearing this in my mind than I was before, I asked "But, why??  Please Heavenly Father, why?!"  The next thought that came was just as clear and simple as the first and it said-"Because Adam, I love you."  The response caught me off guard and it actually stung.  It was like lemon juice on hole that was left in my bleeding heart.  It was too simple.  I didn't understand.  I confess, when I'm hurting inside and when I'm sad and angry I can be more than a little indignant, ESPECIALLY when I just don't understand.  The thought was too poignant and it caused me to actually retort audibly and incredulously "You what?!?"  Immediately the scripture came into my mind in the form of a firm but, gentle rebuke that says "...My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.  For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than you ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts."  (Isaiah 55:8-9).  Then the thought came again with a clarifying variation-"Your heart was created to be broken because I love you PERFECTLY and therefore must allow it."
 
My heart began to soften ever so slightly as I contemplated the implications of what this would really mean if true.  The feelings I had when these thoughts were flowing through me were some of the strongest and clearest feelings I've ever felt and I do believe they are true.  Over the next several days my thoughts turned to my Savior and I thought of His life.  He is the Son of the Living Father.  The only One to ever walk the earth without committing a single sin.  He was the only one that Justice had no claim over.  I thought of all the pain and anguish He was permitted to suffer notwithstanding His divine innocence.  Being as hard on myself as I am coupled with my perpetually flawed thinking, I can easily see why I'd have to suffer.  I make mistakes.  By my disobedience I bring upon myself the majority of the heartache I experience.  Why shouldn't I have to suffer for it?  But, why the Savior of the world?  Why couldn't we just suffer for our own sins and leave Him out of it?  The answer to that question is very primary and pretty simple.  The fact that each and every on of us makes mistakes disqualifies us to overcome our sins on our own.   There is no way back but, through Jesus Christ.

I thought of the Savior of the world and what it must've been like for Him to enter the Garden of Gethsemane.  I don't pretend to know anything about anything but, I do not suppose Jesus was able to fully comprehend the gravity of what He was going to be required to experience by performing the atonement until it was upon Him, because although divine He, like us, was in a mortal state.  It breaks my heart to read the account in Matthew 26.  He gives such a perfect example, an example I fall so far short of following.  When Christ, the greatest of all, came face to face with the impending agony of what He was to suffer through, it says: "Then saith he unto them (meaning his disciples), My soul is exceeding sorrowful, even unto death: tarry ye here and watch with me." (Matthew 26:38) As the gravity of what was at stake fully began to sink in and with what I'd argue to be the heaviest heart in the history of mankind, He prayed and asked the Lord "O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but, as thou wilt." (Matthew 26:39) I can't even fathom the heartache He'd have to be feeling to cause The Son of God to humbly beg the Father to allow Him to not have to pass through the impending hell that was glaring Him squarely in the face.  There are so many times in my life where I've felt like this in my own finite way-where I desire and beg Father to remove the tough times I'm up against.  I suppose the major difference (which is massive) is I don't do a good job of following it up with the sincere willingness to put Father's will before my own like the Savior did.

The fact is, Heavenly Father had to answer His Beloved Son with a no to His plea and allow Him to go on to suffer for the sins and pains of all His other children.  As a father, I can't even breathe when thinking the thought of intentionally allowing my sweet Collin to suffer without intervening if at all possible.  However, Father is perfect and by allowing the Savior to suffer as He did, He established through Christ the Divine Process that we are all to follow if we are to return and live with Him again someday.

As I've reflected on the multiple stalwart followers of Christ, it's become rather apparent that no matter how righteous and noble someone is or was, they have all had their share of heartache in this life.  In the very first verse of The Book of Mormon Nephi acknowledges he had "seen many afflictions in the course of my days" (1 Nephi 1:1).  Later in the book of Nephi we learn that Nephi's parents Lehi and Sariah suffered so much because of their rebellious children that "they were brought down, yea, even upon their sick-beds." (1 Nephi 18:17) - Literally to the point where they were heartsick "Because of their grief and much sorrow, and the iniquity of my brethren, they were brought even to be carried out of this time to meet their God; yea, their grey hairs were about to be brought down to lie low in the dust; yea, even they were near to be cast with sorrow into a watery grave." (1 Nephi 18:18)  What a horrid way to go.  To be so heartbroken because of the disobedience
of adult wayward children that their aged physical bodies finally died because of it.  And what did Lehi and his wife Sariah ever do besides do their best to follow the commandments of the Lord?  And yet, that was  how it ended for them, to die of a broken heart.

Another example that leaps out to me of seemingly unjust, incomprehensible, unneeded suffering is when Joseph Smith and several of his companions were held prisoner at Liberty Jail in Missouri during the winter of 1838-39.  He was being held by evil men that wanted to see the Mormons exterminated.  While in prison, Joseph and the others were starved, poisoned, deprived of sufficient blankets to keep warn, forced to live in their own filth and compelled to endure constant blasphemy and ridicule by guards that were inspired by the devil himself.  Joseph wrote "Pen, or tongue, or angels could not adequately describe the malice of hell" that they suffered there.

On top of the physical suffering that he was forced to endure, my heart can't help but, ache when I think of the suffering he must've been going through on the inside of his mind and heart.  He had to have been worried sick about his wife Emma and their children.  I happen to know what it feels like to be away from my kids for months on end, uncertain if and when I'd see them again and it's bitter, absolute heartbreak.  Joseph loved and cared deeply for the members of the church who had sacrificed so much.  He had to ache for them knowing the confusion they must've been in with their leader gone from their mists.  How desperately helpless must he have felt!  How could Joseph not have felt abandoned in such a dire environment as the days and months dragged on and on and on?  I believe it's safe to say that he did feel abandoned because in the Doctrine and Covenants it's recorded that he pleads with the Lord for the suffering Saints-"O God, where art thou?  And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place?  How long shall thy hand be stayed, and thine eye, yea thy pure eye, behold from the eternal heavens the wrongs of thy people and thy servants, and thine ear be penetrated with their cries?" (D&C 121:1-2) I have felt so abandon on multiple occasions in my life and I know I'm not the only one of my loved ones/friends who have felt that way.

The next chapter in The Doctrine and Covenants is the Lord's powerful response to Joseph's plea for help and understanding.  Since my mission in Mongolia, it has been to me, some of the most powerful words ever recorded.  Joseph is told in chapter 122 verse 1 that "hell shall rage against thee."  After which the Lord continues to paint a very bleak picture:

Vs. 5- If thou art called to pass through tribulation; if thou art in perils among false brethren; if thou art in perils among robbers; if thou art in perils by land or by sea;

Vs. 6- If thou art accused with all manner of false accusations; if thine enemies fall upon thee; if they tear thee from the society of thy father and mother and brethren and sisters; and if with a drawn sword thine enemies tear thee from the bosom of thy wife, and of thine offspring, and thine elder son, although but six years of age, shall cling to thy garments, and shall say, My father, my father, why can’t you stay with us? O, my father, what are the men going to do with you? and if then he shall be thrust from thee by the sword, and thou be dragged to prison, and thine enemies prowl around thee like wolves for the blood of the lamb;

Vs. 7-And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.

And then the Lord asks the most important question I could ever ask myself, especially when I'm dying inside from a broken heart:



Vs. 8-The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?

Vs. 9-Therefore, hold on thy way, and the priesthood shall remain with thee; for their bounds are set, they cannot pass. Thy days are known, and thy years shall not be numbered less; therefore, fear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever.

Joseph in Liberty Jail

 

 I would never pretend to be able to relate to the hell that Joseph went through in the basement of the jail at Liberty.  All I've got to go on are the personal prisons I've found myself in throughout my life.  I can relate to the wording in the proceeding verses from D&C.  In particular the part that says "...if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee..".  That's exactly how I felt the first time a business failure went south and I was left unable to provide for my family.  That's exactly how I felt multiple times throughout my marriage to Shannon when I failed to be the husband I should've been and succumbed to addictive tendencies that were forge early on in my childhood.  That's exactly how I felt when I laid sobbing uncontrollably on my bedroom floor when I realized the pain I had caused Shannon and the realization that my temple marriage was over and that I was nothing more than a contributing statistic to the broken home column on the adversary's scorecard.  That's exactly how I feel currently now that I've had the most amazing woman I've ever met come into my life just long enough to lose her too; knowing that the loss is due solely to the fact that I wasn't ready to be for her what she is so deserving of.

I know everyone has experiences throughout their lives where they feel like the jaws of hell are going to swallow them up.  As I think of the term "swallowing up" it reminds me of a near drowning experience I had when I was a teen.   It also reminds me of a story from the New Testament when Christ came unto His disciples while they were at sea and He walked on water.  At first they were frightened because they thought it was a spirit walking on the rough waters toward them.  In Matthew 14 we read that Jesus "spake unto them, saying, Be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid."  Peter in an attempt to verify that it was in fact Jesus answered back that if it really "be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water."  Of course the Savior extended the simple invitation to "Come."  I don't know if Peter knew how to swim or not but, (I kind of doubt he'd be eager to swim in the raging waters anyway even if he could swim) he descended with enough confidence in the Savior that he exited the boat and "walked on the water, to go to Jesus."  But, when he saw the waves and felt the boisterous winds, Peter's faith was replaced with fear and he began to sink.  Once again, I do not pretend to know what was going though Peter's mind and heart as he began to sink.   I do however, know by the near drowning experience of my own that I mentioned earlier, what was going through my mind and heart when I was going down.

My family and I went to Yellowstone National Park when I was 14-15 years old.  There's a beautiful river with a section called "The Fire Hole" that is known as a perfect place to float down in tubes or just on your own.  We'd jump in at this upper area that had water falls and minor rapids that would briskly wash us down one of the most fascinating places I've ever seen because there were shear cliffs on both sides of the river that had been cut out over years and years of water wearing the rock away.  Because of that, the river in this particular stretch was very narrow but, also very deep.  40 feet deep in some spots.  On the surface, the water didn't seem threatening at all, unlike it did for Peter.  On my 5th or 6th run I was floating down and my Aqua Socks kept coming off.  Not wanting to lose them and go barefoot I'd go under water and try and adjust them back on.  For whatever reason, I couldn't get on of them to stay on and as it turns out, I'm negatively buoyant (a term that I learned in scuba diving that means I sink like a rock).  So, the longer I spent fussing with my shoe trying to get it back on, the deeper I sank in the river.  I had sunk about 10-12 feet before I realized what was happening.  I got caught in an undercurrent and no matter what I did or how hard I swam, I couldn't break free.  First fear, and then utter terror permeated my mind as I thrashed and thrashed trying to break through the undercurrent back into the calmer, slower moving water above but, I couldn't do it. 

I don't know how long I was under for but, enough time passed I remember that everything began to get very calm and peaceful-not something you want to be feeling when you've been underwater for who knows how long because it means things in the body are starting to shut down.  I remember things started getting really bright and fuzzy.  I had the distinct impression come to my mind "Adam, you've got to move or you're not going to make it."  It wasn't an overly panicked thought.  It was a gentle but, firm admonition (one that resembled the tone of the thoughts I had a few weeks ago, now that I think about it) and it gave me the added strength I needed to exert one final effort to swim with all I had to break free from the undercurrent.  When I reached the surface, there was a person standing there that saw me struggling who extended their arm out to me and dragged me to the edge.

Where we'd jump in

Where I just about didn't make it

I don't know how Peter felt when his faith failed him and he started going down.  I wonder if it was anything similar to the utter terror I felt as I realized I was caught 12 feet below the surface in that raging undercurrent.  The feelings of drowning actually resemble almost identically to me what broken hearts and broken dreams feel like.  The inability to breathe.  The pain in my chest.  The darkness.  The fear.  The inability to see clearly.  The panic.  The confusion.  How difficult it is to hear when my life is buried by water/sorrow.  It's all the same.  Seeings how I've experienced both a broken heart and nearly drowning, the only real difference I can say I see between the two is drowning takes only a few minutes before the brain starts to shut down and replaces terror and panic with calm and peaceful fuzzy feelings whereas a broken hearted individual has to live with those tortuous emotions indefinitely...or do we? 

As soon as Peter began to go under he "cried, saying, Lord, save me."  "And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?" (Matthew 14:30-31)  How long have I spent in my life drowning in the undercurrents of sorrow from my mistakes and the resulting broken hearts (self-inflicted or not) because of my doubt and lack of faith, when if I would've just looked up, I would've seen the Savior's outstretched arm.  His arm that is "immediately" prepared and eager to rescue me from the jaws of hell, from raging waters, from broken hearts, or even rescue me even from myself-if I'm only willing.

The Divine Process

I again pose the question: So why the pain?  The Divine Process exemplified by the Savior included suffering.  I've had a few thoughts that have helped me to begin to understand why we might be required to endure as much of it as we do.  Before we ever came to this earth we lived in the presence of Heavenly Father in an atmosphere (for us) of limited perfection.  We have to have experienced an element of immeasurable happiness because we were with Him and at that point we were flawless.  Flawless, NOT to be mistaken with perfected like our Father in Heaven.  We weren't like him because of our ignorance/lack of experience and because of the fact that we didn't have a perfected resurrected body like He does.  The only way to become like Him required we be put in an environment  where we could gain a body and learn the opposite of what we already knew.  Pain and suffering are opposite to the happiness and joy we experienced while in His presence and therefore are prerequisite to becoming perfect like He is.  The suffering we experience here in this life serves more than one purpose.  One of the reasons we're called to go through what we are is so we can learn opposition in all things.  By being in a fallen state, how much more will we be able to appreciate being like our Heavenly Father when our understanding is so much greater by virtue of our own personal experience.  Remember: "And above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee...all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good."

The pattern and key of the Law of Happiness was shown to us by our Savior: Subvert our own natural instincts and desires and submit to the will of an omniscient Father in Heaven that loves us perfectly.  In Mosiah 3:19 it says "For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his Father."
 
Our Savior did exactly that and suffered the atonement so He could "loose the bands of death" and so He could "take upon him their (our) infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities." (Alma 7:12) In order to be physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually capable on every level to know how to succor us, it was required that He suffered exactly what we individually suffer on a person by person basis.  It was required that His heart broke. According the James E. Talmage in "Jesus The Christ" Jesus' heart literally burst on the cross.  No man took the Savior's life, He gave it up freely and only after His divine purpose was fulfilled.  But, nevertheless, after He commended His spirit to the Father, his heart ruptured and He gave up the ghost. 

Our privilege is to strive to become like our Savior.  We always fall short but, we learn in Ether 12:27  "If men come unto me I will show them their weakness.  I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."  As we strive to emulate Christ's example we participate in a cyclical pattern.  Suffering gives us experience and the opportunity to go through our own personal "Gethsemane(s)" which opens the pathway to becoming more Christ like.  We can take the knowledge we garner from the suffering we endure though our experience and do what Jesus would hope we would do-be willing to "bear one another's burdens, that they may be light; ...willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort" (Mosiah 18:8-9).  

How on earth would we be able to become Christ like and do any of those things if we didn't have circumstances that required us to hurt and thereby give us the capacity to feel for others (like He did for us) as a result of our own pain and suffering?  How would we be relate to our Savior in our own miniscule way if we were denied the experiences that cause our hearts to break?  How could we appreciate anything we've been so abundantly been blessed with if we didn't have the opposite of which to contrast it to?

The longer I live, the less I really know.  But, I do know what I believe.  I believe Christ didn't suffer what He suffered in Gethsemane and on the cross at Golgotha for Himself.  He was perfect.  He suffered for you and I and so the Father's "work and glory" could come to pass which is "to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man." (Moses 1:39)  His "work and glory" cannot possibly include leaving us alone to suffer broken hearted on our own like He was left alone to suffer for the sins and pains of the world while His apostles slept.  Even the Father saw fit to withdraw Himself from our Savior in His most desperate hour as He hung on the cross not only in the physical agony induced by the crucifixion but,  as He was also revisited by the unspeakable torment of the atonement He performed in the Garden of Gethsemane the night before; left to do so utterly and truly alone.  I cannot comprehend the torment either of them felt as Christ had to experience the epitome of loneliness while Father experienced the agony of withdrawing from His beloved and only begotten son in the flesh.  The Father  permitted it because of His perfect love for each of us collectively but, also absolutely because of His perfect love for us individually. 

I believe that God the Father and His Son Jesus Christ are aware of us.  I believe the Savior had to go it alone so we wouldn't have to.  His arm is outstretched.  His love is perfect.  His love is real.  As I sit here and make this feeble attempt to express my feelings, I have an overwhelming feeling that yes, for a divine purpose in Him, "Your heart was created to be broken." but, I also now feel with every piece of this broken heart of mine that "You're heart is permitted to be broken so I can (and will) heal it."  We can answer the invitation Christ extended to Peter to "Come."  We can answer the invitation The Savior extended to all of us:"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls." (Matthew 11:28-29)  The only thing He asks in return is for us to "..offer for a sacrifice unto me a broken heart and a contrite spirit." (3 Nephi 9:20)  Each of us can offer up our broken hearts to Him and allow Him to heal us rather than allowing the hurt to harden our hearts like I have done for so many years.  And if we do, I believe the promise of peace to Joseph in the basement of Liberty Jail applies equally to us where the Father said "Peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment.  And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high".  (D&C 121:7-8)  And in the meantime, I believe he will lighten our burdens if we but, ask.  In His infinite mercy God bestowed upon us our free agency.  With that agency we have the ability to chose for ourselves what we are as we experience the Refiner's Fire:  Am I dross that's to be burnt up? or Am I the mold able, precious, purified metal in the hands of the Master?

I believe in the Miracle of all miracles that made the miracle of broken hearts being healed a reality.  No hope is too dashed; no dream too crushed.  No heart is too broken; no person too shattered.  The Lord lives.  He loves us..including you..including even me. I believe that because in this moment, I can feel it.

I hope that by some miracle my path will one day cross hers again.  Whether or not it does, I am living my life as to be ready, for once in my life.  I've made a lot of progress the last couple of months in many areas of my life and in my ways of thinking. Irregardless if anything happens in the future, I'll be forever thankful she came into my life.   Even if it was only to prove to me that my heart wasn't beyond saving and then to turn around for it to break all over again.  For it is this particular heartbreak that has brought me to the point where I'm finally ready to learn the essential things I'm learning now.  

As wonderful as the things I'm learning are, I would however, sure give just about anything (including ever seeing palm trees again) if I could have the chance to hold her hand for even 5 more minutes and tell her what I saw when I looked into her crystal green eyes.  I never did get the opportunity to tell  her what I saw.  *big sigh*  Maybe someday.  In the meantime, I'm determined to be better each day and if that day comes I will be prepared.  I will continue to pray for that opportunity but, "nevertheless not as I will, but, as thou wilt." 

Dear (21 year old) Adam,

Hey there Adam,

It's your 35 year old self.  I wanted to write you this letter and give you an update on how you're doing in life.  As you read this, you're fresh off of your mission and full of hope and fire.  You served an honorable mission and your heart is in the right place in every aspect of your life.  You always have had a heart of gold and the best of intentions. That is why it saddens me so deeply to have to tell you all that I'm about to.

Somehow between where you were (with all your tender hearted ambitions) and where you are now, 14 years later, you lost yourself somewhere along the way.  Life hasn't turned out even remotely close to how you hoped.  You have so much pain and sorrow up ahead.  You will experience failure in every facet of your life that will leave you so battered.  So broken.  You will experience what it feels like for your heart to shatter to the point where you will beg God to allow you to cease to exist.  You will feel the harrowing torment that comes as a result of losing the woman you'd asked to spend eternity with you due to your failure to live the way you know you should.

Even though you didn't ask for it, because of the things you were exposed to as an innocent child, you will experience depression and addiction.  Even with that heart of gold of yours, you will come to disappoint and hurt the people closest to you.  You will try with all sincerity to correct your faults and mistakes, yet you will fail in every single effort to make the changes needed for long enough to have it matter.

On top of the personal and family failures you've got coming, you also have some monster business disasters that are about to own you.  In short, the impending mountains of disappointment combined with betrayal you'll face, added to the consequent depression and adverse affects this will have on your emotional well being, it will all lead to the "Perfect Storm" the adversary has been waiting for for you to be reduced to a state in which you will be vulnerable enough to do things you'd never think you are capable of doing right now.  And in the process you will lose every single thing that ever meant anything to you.

I am so so embarrassed and sorry to have to admit all this to you.  I know exactly what you'd be thinking if I was back in your spot reading this right now.  You wouldn't believe a single word of it.  Why would you?  You were raised so much better than this.  You, like Nephi of old, can legitimately declare that you were born of "goodly" parents.  Mom and Dad's example and guidance has been unwavering.  You have spent an entire lifetime preparing for, and the last two years teaching everything that runs contrary to the nightmare being described to you in this letter.  But, irregardless of your disbelief in where you're about to go or irrespective of the disbelief I have as sit here with right now as I contemplate where I've been, it doesn't matter.  It's on the horizon.  All of it and more.  And it's raging toward you very rapidly.  So it is with a heavy heart but, I must warn you to brace yourself because the storm of your lifetime is coming.

This letter isn't intended to be as horribly defeating as an outsider looking in might mistakenly view it.  There are few key things about where you end up after all the heartbreak you have to go through that are actually quite positive.  I humbly but, confidently can say that today you are a compassionate, loving person.  You don't have a single judgmental bone left in your body.  You are continuously aware that you have so much about yourself you need to work on, you don't waste precious time nit picking other people's short comings. You just love them anyway.  You have had many opportunities to suffer because of the selfish actions of others.  As a result, you have developed the powerful and spiritually imperative ability to forgive and to do so quickly.

This is just an observation but, I've noticed you have an uncanny ability to crash and burn in epic fashion.  No offense but, I don't quite know exactly what your deal is.  In fact, my mind is effectively blown as I contemplate this not so little character flaw of ours.  However ridiculous our "all or nothing" tendency has been, and even though it's caused us a disproportionate amount of unnecessary trouble in our life, there is a silver lining to this one.  By crashing as hard and often as you have, you have learned how to get up.  And to get up again.  And again.  And again!  There have been times when you've laid in a busted up heap for longer than you should have but, you always do get up for one more round.  And that smells a lot like determination to me-The very thing you want your kids to know you for most of all when you go down for the last and final time.  So, in reality, Heavenly Father, in his tender mercy, is consecrating your mistakes for your good even though you're an idiot lol.  By, the way, lol stands for "Laugh out loud".  You'll come to learn that before too long.  You wouldn't understand now because your current phone isn't even capable of sending or recieving what is called a "text message".  Sorry, your phone isn't as cool as you think it is.  I digress.  Focus Adam.  Focus.

There are some other invaluable lessons you've learn as a result of ending up as a heartbreaking divorce statistic.  You will be blessed with the most adorable, kind, loving and wonderful son and daughter you could possibly imagine.  Collin and Eden will be your saving grace.  The Lord is merciful and He loves you.  They are evidence of that.  He knew what would happen in your life long before everything fell apart, including your temple marriage.  You have had to believe that He would have contingencies in place to compensate where you will come up short.  And the truth is, He has.



 Once again, there is a silver lining present in this aspect of your life as well.  Although you're in for agony caused by loneliness that your mind isn't capable of comprehending right now, you will develop a love and appreciation for your kids that I don't believe you would've been able to develop otherwise.  In your case, absence truly does make the heart grow fonder.  Because you aren't with them nearly as much as you would like, you are always thinking of them.  You make the time count when you are with them.  Your relationship with them is not ordinary.  It is very special and all three of you can feel it.  Most importantly, they know you love them.  They know it Adam.  So you haven't failed completely.  Never ever forget that because it counts.

And so, as it stands right now, you've come to a pretty critical point in you journey.  The love you have for your kids and the fact that you're a beast that doesn't know how to quit (Ya, I said it. You're a freakin beast) have combined into a very pivitol realization.  We have realized we're very very fortunate under the circumstances that Collin and Eden have no doubt in their mind, as of now, that you love them.  There is every reason to believe that this will never change.  The harsh reality though, is it is more than possible to love someone and have no respect for them.  You've known this fact for a long time but, it will take until you are 35 years old before you'll be able to relate to it on such a personal, fatherly level.  You have recognized the importance of Collin and Eden always knowing and feeling they are loved by you but, you must understand that equally as important- they must be able to RESPECT you.  The one and only way this will be possible is by living the way we've known all along we should be living.

It's really that simple.  Those two little angels are deserving of a father worthy of not only their affection but, also their respect as well.  After all they've given to us, the least we can do is get our battered body and soul up off the ground and fight for them once more.  It's time to heed the clarion call of Lehi: "Awake, my sons; put on the armor of righteousness.  Shake off the chains with which ye are bound, and come forth out of obscurity, and arise from the dust" (2 Nephi 1:23).  You must get up!  You must fight on!  You must bless their lives as they have blessed yours.  You haven't survived this nightmare for so long to come up short now.

 So, to wrap up my little status report to you,  I just want you to know that your heart hasn't failed you yet.  Your heart is still beating.  Your lungs are still breathing.  And as of today, 3/9/2014, you're more determined now than you've ever been.  The beautiful thing is your focus has been broadened from loving your children to include the importance of living a life that will qualify you to be respected by them.  I am optimistic with this combination.  It is very likely that this has been the missing piece of our little puzzle that we've so desperately needed.  I promised to go forward with faith and to end the nightmare you're about to enter.  Enough is enough.  There is opposition in all things but, it's time to experience the opposite end of the spectrum. Hang in there and I'll see you on the flip side.

Sincerely,


Adam

P.S.  Chin up buttercup!  The horizon looks much much better from where I'm standing today than from where you are right now.  You won't be able to see it for a while but, there IS light at the end of the tunnel.  Better days are here.

The simple request

In my last post I ended with what I said was the one rule on my blog but, it was really more of a plea: Please be kind to one another.  The reason it's my one simple request is because I have come to realize by going through what I've gone through that we're all just here in this life struggling it out the best way we know how.  Each of us is in our individual circumstances contending with our own personal struggles in the present tense.  That's obvious enough.  What I feel often gets overlooked is the fact that who and what we are is a culmination of a lifetime of experiences, a lifetime of decisions (both good and bad), a lifetime of external circumstances (both good and bad) including: influences of others, harm caused to us by others, environmental influences etc. All of which has lead us up to the very moment we find ourselves in right now, complete with the fears, tendencies, insecurities, anxieties and scars that often come with life experience.

I've come to be semi-patiently amused by people who perpetually insist on giving their two cents on everything they know nothing about.  They tend to say things such as "If I were you...I would..." (Go ahead and fill in the blanks.  I'm sure you've had plenty of instances yourself with people like this.  They're everywhere).  It's like, "No, actually you wouldn't.  Because if you WERE me, you would've done exactly as I did because you would've had every experience and circumstance in my life that led up to how I acted/behaved in the first place now wouldn't ya?"

I have been on the receiving end of rather unpleasant interaction caused by inaccurate assumptions people have made about me.  It's happened multiple times in the past, even very recent past.  Although hurtful, sometimes extremely, overall I'm largely OK with it because of the very fact of what I was saying earlier-It applies to me too.  If I was them, I'd be viewing the Prism of Life from their unique point of view, not mine own.  By operating with their set of circumstances, I would see, say, and do exactly as they did, no matter how much I liked it or not.  And I try and respect that.

But, attempting to respect it doesn't always take away the sting of when someone is unkind to us, let alone when someone "despitefully uses you, and persecutes you" (Mathew 5:44).   Even though this particular instance isn't a big deal,  I have an experience I'm going to share because it shows exactly why I feel it's important we all just be a little extra mindful of one another's feelings-you never know what's going on in someone's heart and mind.

A little over a year ago I was struggling with winter as I often do.  I posted something on Facebook about it in an effort to make light of my beef with winter, mostly so I could try I keep the mood in my own head from diving into a funk.  My post was intended to be completely harmless but, it rubbed one of my close friend's really wrong because of something they were going through that I was completely unaware of.  They had a close friend going through the death of their baby and here I was whining about the cold.  Their responses to me were a little unexpected and came off somewhat harsh to be honest.  I'm grateful it happened though because it spurred me to put pen to paper and gave me a chance to articulate some things that really need sorting out. Out of respect for their privacy, I'll leave out what was said to me.  Anyway, this and other correspondence I had had concurrently opened up a can of emotions that I've struggled with for the last several years.  I wrote the following as a response to the comments.  Luckily, it was way too long for Facebook to post as a comment so I didn't end up posting it.  Looking back, I don't think it would've been very good timing for me to be as open to the whole world back then as it is now.  This is definitely some of the "Infection" I've refered to so you might want to brace yourselves and please bear with me.  It's gonna get a little bit ugly.


Here it is:

"I think I'm going to do something I normally don't do on Facebook (or in real life for that matter)-I'm going to open up a little bit.  I'm going to do so with the hopes that, for whoever might care, will have the chance to be able to understand me a little better.  Sure, I'm really open about certain things in my life, such as my kids.  I'm certain most people have noticed that a large majority of my posts are regarding them.  After all, they are my world.  The rest of my posts are usually things that I find amusing, so I'll post them with the hopes that it might put a smile on somebody else's face.  But, before I go into some stuff that's very personal to me, I want to apologize to you (Name withheld), or anyone else if my posts have ever hurt your feelings or rubbed you the wrong way.  I would never ever intend to hurt anyone in general let alone people who I care so much about.  After reading your second comment and thinking about it, I can totally see why me griping about the cold weather would seem extremely petty and even weak in comparison to the loss that your friends just experienced. Especially since you read my post right after hearing the sad news.  And the fact is, it is weak in comparison.  I've never met them but, just hearing of the tragedy makes my heart ache for them.  I can't begin to imagine the pain they are going through right now or the pain they will continue to face going forward.  The thought of losing Collin or Eden is something I can't even bare thinking about.  I am so so sad that your friends are now required to live through such a heartbreaking experience.

Here's where I'm going to open up a little bit about me.  One thing is for certain, I can't perfectly relate to any parent who has had a little one pass away, as I've never had to experience that. I can however, relate to and understand loss on an extremely deep level.  I have experienced losing the person who I asked to spend eternity with me.  I didn't lose her due to death.  I lost her due to me. That fact alone, for me, massively compounds the pain associated with this particular instance of loss. I have experienced the death (so to speak) of an eternal family.  There are relationships within my once family unit that are now dead and gone, not temporarily, but, forever.  I have watched some of my most personal, sacred dreams die right before my eyes.  I am so very grateful that I live as close to my kids as I do.  I'm so very grateful that Shannon and I have such a good relationship considering our circumstances.  She does so much to make our situation as good as it possibly can be.  And for that, I'll be forever grateful.

I feel that the hardest part of the reality in which I live is the complexity of it all.  On the one hand, I truly do have faith that Heavenly Father is more than capable of consecrating any challenge/heartache/trial that we face for our good.  I do believe that that the hardships we go through, whether they're self-inflicted (which, most of mine are) or inflicted by others, can refine us IF we allow them to.  But, on the other hand, I also have to live with the effects of all the loss I currently experience on minute-to-minute, hour-to hour, day-to-day basis.  The effects seem never ending.  I could list a thousand examples of what I'm talking about but, I'm just going to write a couple to illustrate.  Take Christmas morning, for instance.  I didn't wake up on Christmas morning.  I didn't have to.  I had been laying in my bed wide awake all night long because my heart hurt so bad knowing that at any moment, Collin and Eden would be waking up (with the excitement and wonder that accompanies Christmas morning) and yet, I wouldn't be there to experience it with them.  Instead, I'd all by myself, absolutely and utterly alone four blocks away.  Did I get to see them shortly after that?  Yes, of course I did.  Am I grateful for that?  Immensely!  But, being sincerely grateful doesn't change the fact that the dynamics I have with my kids (and would-be eternal companion) are now forever changed.

How bout this one?  My little Eden will one day find someone who will want to sweep her off her feet and carry her off into the sunset.  Giving her away to someone else will be hard enough as it is.  There is always is a daddy/daughter dance at the wedding.  With the reality I now find myself in, I can't help but, ask: Who is she going to want to dance with?  Will it be me?  Will it not be me?  Will it be her step dad?  Will there be two dances?  Either way, nothing now is the way it could've been.

Not just big events like Christmas but, the everyday day-to-day things are something that I have to live with missing on a constant basis as well. Who gets to tuck my kids into bed at night? I don't.  Who eats breakfast with my kids and drops my son off to school in the mornings? I don't.  If Eden gets sick in the middle of the night, who gets up to tend to her?  That wouldn't be me either. Many fathers are absentee and couldn't care less if the didn't have get up, when they'd rather be sleeping to clean puke up in the middle of the night. Words can't describe what it would mean to me to be able to be in a position to be able to get up and clean up and comfort my little angel in instances like that! Like I said, I could go on and on and on with examples such as this but, there's no real need to.

See, considering what I've been through, I am actually an unjustifiably optimistic person. I don't prefer to mope around feeling sorry for myself, although I confess there are times that I do. I prefer to be aware and thankful for all that is good in my life.  I am keenly aware that I have many many blessings and things could always be worse. But, true to form with everything else in my life, insert complexity.

Aside from the loss and failures I've experienced (which, by the way, I take full accountability for) I also have had to endure the scourge of depression. I don't know why. I never asked for it. But, we rarely do ask for the internal battles that we find ourselves struggling with. The problem for me with depression is two fold: It runs counter to my natural inclination to be optimistic. And it has a way of compounding itself exponentially because of how conscientious I am of all that is good in my life. I try my best to be happy and hopeful. I try my best to have gratitude for the blessings I've been gifted. But, sprinkle an unhealthy dose of depression into my natural tendencies to be optimistic, and my predisposition to be aware of my blessings, and you come up with a complex, counteracting disaster. Every attempt that I make to acknowledge something positive in my life is countered by the harsh reality that always surrounds me. For example, when I get to be with my kids, no matter what we're doing, I do my best to live in the moment and appreciate every second that I do get to be with them. But, inevitably, my time spent with them is haunted by the fact that sooner rather than later, they will be going away from me again. The battle between my desire to be grateful/optimistic is always raging with my frail mortal body that is susceptible to depressive tendencies.  A battle, by the way, I'm determined to fight my whole life in order to win if necessary.

Once again, I could write a 1000 examples of how my battles with depression play out everyday. But, there's no point to because I sincerely do prefer to focus on things that are positive. I merely write the example to shed some light onto where I'm coming from. *As a side note-my dislike for the cold has a reason that runs far deeper than me just being fussy because I don't prefer a certain type of weather. The cold/winter/snow have a very large impact on my biochemical functionality.  Depression is ugly. It can be debilitating.  And It is very very real to me.  Since depression is such an omnipresent battle in my life, I just prefer the sunshine and being warm because, for whatever reason, I just feel my capacity to deal with it is increased when I am in those conditions.  And truth be told, I need all the help I can get.  Luckily, I've come to learn how to cope with depression pretty darn effectively.  I'd go as far as to say that I'm able to control it now whereas before, often times, it controlled me.

I guess the bottom line is, in many ways I am finally to a point where I've become thankful for the struggles I've had to experience. I haven't shared a lot of the things I've gone through or the feelings associated with them with very many people for several reasons.  First of all, I really do care about other people's feelings.  I don't want to be a rain cloud in anyone else's life.  My life the last several years has been filled with much pain and anguish.  I wouldn't want that bleeding out all over someone else and effecting them in a negative capacity.  Secondly, I am very aware that everybody experiences hardships in this life.  All of us are going through our own set of unique challenges.  I wouldn't be OK with, if me by sharing, somebody ended up feeling like I felt as if my life was SOO much harder than anyone else's-thereby rendering the perception that I was too busy feeling sorry for myself to be available to help them in their time of need, because I don't feel that way at all.  And thirdly, the pain of it all is so very personal.   I've tried to only share my experiences with people in situations where I've felt that it might be of some benefit to them.  Enough damage has been caused because of the hardships I've put myself through, the trials I've been put through, and the heartache I've put others through.  I have a humble hope that if and when I share, I might somehow, someway be able to help and lift others that are facing similar hardships as the ones I've experienced.  Rather than my story being a negative one that inadvertently brings other people down.

There's a hymn that has a few lines in it that have stood out to me every time I've heard it over the last several years.  It's the song "Lord, I Would Follow Thee."  In it is says: "In the quiet heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can't see." Then it goes on to say: "To the wounded and the weary
I would show a gentle heart."  These words are powerful to me.  I've tried my best to show a gentle heart to everyone I interact with for the very reason that I know all of us are suffering from, in one form or another,  a flavor(s) of "sorrow that the eye can't see."  I do know how it feels to be wounded and weary. I do know what it feels like to emotionally battered and spiritually beaten. I know how it feels to lose the most precious things in my life.  And because of how broken I was inside at one point, I know how it it feels to collapse on my bedroom floor and sob so violently that my tear ducts ruptured, blood and tears coming from my eyes as blood simultaneously flowed from my nose, and as I coughed up blood out my mouth.   All the while fearing I was literally going to suffocate on my own blood, snot and tears.

Unfortunately, the pain I experienced physically paled massively in comparison to the pain I felt inside. In short, I know what it feels like to have an agony so great, I didn't want to merely die.  Dying wouldn't have been enough...I wanted to completely and utterly cease to exist.  For my spirit to dissipate into the farthest expanses of space.  The pain became so great I slipped into what I can only describe as a sorrow induced coma.  I eventually passed out under the weight of it all and didn't wake up for almost 3 days.  As intense as the agony has been for me, I never have had any delusions that what I've been through have ever been any worse or any easier than the pain anyone else has had to live through.  I say this with no barb intended whatsoever but, I sometimes wish that the greatest trial any of us had to face was something as inconsequential as in-climate weather.  But, what would be the point of that?  None of us would have much of an opportunity to learn and grow if life didn't demand it.  And growth and refinement is part of God's plan, and so, I'm in favor of it even though it can hurt, and hurt deep.

After reading this I think people might be able to understand why I don't like to talk about it.  It has been my own personal journey to hell and back.  A journey I'm still on.  I haven't wanted to burden others with the unpleasantness of all of it.  I guess my hope for writing this is to merely give anybody who might care, a glimpse into what I've been going through.  I do feel like I've been, however unintentionally, misunderstood on multiple occasions by people dear to me.  I suppose I can only blame myself for that though.  How are people to know any different if I keep everything so locked up inside all of the time?

The bright side in all of this for me, is that because I am so closely acquainted with grief, I've been given an opportunity to have to have hope that healing is possible.  I do have that hope.  I do have that faith.  I have hope that any of my friends or family that are currently struggling with nightmares of their own might have comfort and the strength to heal.  I have hope for the family that lost their precious little 10 month old son that they may somehow someway find comfort, and their hearts may mend after such a tragedy.  I admit, It's harder for me to have the hope for myself that, I too, might by some miracle, come out from under all of this a better person.  But, I hang onto that hope.   Even if I'm just hanging on by a hangnail.  Please just know that I really am doing the best I can for what I've got to work with.

I don't necessarily expect anyone to have a response to this post. I didn't say any of this in an attempt to solicit pity or sympathy.  I just felt like it could give someone a chance to see some things through my point of view.  If anyone does have anything they'd like to say, please go ahead and send me a private message.  Even though I just made all of this very public by posting it online, I would still prefer any conversations regarding it going forward to be done in private between me and whoever might have something to add individually.

Love to you all!"



And so there you have it.  I highly doubt many people (except maybe that white haired guy at Target that one night who called me by name whom I'd never seen before that asked me if I was OK) would've been able to look me in the face and be able to see the hurricane of agony that has been raging in the confines of my mind for so long.  And what I shared was just a glimpse =).  But, so it is with us all.  Hence the charge by our Savior.  He said "A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.  By this shall men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another." (John 13: 34-35)

Years from now when Collin and Eden read this, this will ring home to them.  "Be kind to one another" is something they've heard me say many many many times.  I'm so grateful they have taken this little mantra to heart.  They are always kind to me.  Always have been.  It's a wonderful feeling when I get to watch them be kind to each other and to all the other people they interact with.  It comes to them naturally and I trust they'll carry that tendency with them as they grow, blessing more and more people as they go.

I am so grateful for all the kind people I have in my life.  I am very aware this entry is long and emotionally exhausting.  Trust me, I know.  I not only wrote it, I lived it.  But, luckily I really feel like I'm on the upswing now.  I've experienced a considerable amount of healing since a year ago when that long response was written.  And my journey all along the way has been lightened by the kindness of others.  I shared some pretty bleak experiences in this entry.  However I'd like to end with a mention of my four beautiful sisters that personified to me Christ's example of how I'd imagine He'd treat the broken hearted-me in this instance.

After the decision for Shannon and I had been made to get a divorce, I went home to my parents home in Idaho.  At the time, my little sisters Shauntel and Kelli were still living at home.  With everything being so fresh there's only one way to describe my state: I was a complete and utter train wreck.  I remember one night I was in my bedroom curled up in the fetal position on my bed softly as possible bawling my eyes out.  I had my head buried in my pillow cause I hate the way I sound when I cry and on top of that, I didn't want anyone else knowing.  Next thing I know, the door quietly opened up and Shaunie walked in, came over and sat on the edge of my bed.  She picked my head up off my pillow and rested it gently on her lap.  Kelli quietly came in too, sat on the other side and softly rubbed my back.  Neither said a word.  My angel sisters just let me cry it out as they loved me, in spite of me.

It's a very humbling thing to look back on that time.  I was the oldest brother who although far from perfect, had tried so hard for so long to be a good example to all my other siblings.  And there I was, laying in the wreckage of Hurricane Adam and they came to my rescue.  Although my sisters Kari and Rachel were living far away from where I was, they too treated me with unparralled kindness.  Kari would call me and patiently leave messages when I wouldn't answer my phone.  She knew it wasn't a matter of me not wanting to answer, it was a matter of me not being capable of answering because of how unbearable things were.  She too was an angel who patiently loved me through.

Not long after all this, I moved to Arizona for the first time.  Rachel took her turn tagging in as one of my guardian angels here on earth.  She called and text me every single day to make sure I was still alive and to reassure me that I was loved and had people who still believed in me.  These acts of kindness from my sisters surely played a pivotal part in fostering the environment that was necessary for my soul to begin to get back to where I could believe I worth saving. 

I am living proof that recieving kindness and compassion when all seems lost can make all the difference in the world, even to those in the most broken of circumstances.  And so, from the bottom of my heart, I thank all of those who have been kind to me.  And may we all make an effort to be just a little kinder to one another.  It is after all, what our Savior has charged us to do.

I have 3 main motivations for creating this blog:

The first and primary reason is because I want to express my love to my kids, Collin and Eden. I have been blessed with two of the most beautiful, wonderful children ever.  I know Heavenly Father sent me the kids He did for very specific reasons.  I believe they were sent to me because He knew they would be paramount in any chance I'd have in making it back to Him one day.  I do not deserve them. But, I will be eternally grateful for their ongoing influence on me.  They are, quite literally, the very reason my heart continues to beat.  They are my motivation to live and to continue fighting.  They are the light and love of my life. 

The Luckiest Dad Alive

The environment I find myself in today is not one I would've ever expected to be in while raising my kids.  Because of choices and mistakes I've made (which, by the way, I take full responsibility for) I am no longer married to their mom.  Because of this, my daily interaction with them is obviously far less than what I would've expected when I was starting my family.  Therefore,  I write this blog so my two little angels will one day be able to read through it and be able to learn more about their dad.  Where I've been.  What I've gone through.  I write with the hope and prayer that they will be wiser than I have been and have the desire to learn from the mistakes that have I have made, thereby potentially sparing them the consequences I now endure.  Mistakes that have cost so much and that have carried such indescribable amounts of pain and heart ache.

I do hope Collin and Eden will be able to learn from my mistakes but, I also want them to be able to learn from my successes.  Hopefully, by recording where I've been and what I've gone through to overcome what I am, there will be much positivity proceed from that.  I want to go down in their eyes as the most determined person they ever knew.  Determined to do what it took to be the man and father I was meant to be.  I am in the middle of the battles to become that person even in this very moment.  It makes sense to record it real time for when they're old enough to understand it.

The second reason I'm creating this blog is for myself.  The truth is, I've got a lot of infection in my heart and mind that I've got to work out.  I have a memory from my childhood that would be good to illustrate what I mean.  When I was 14 or 15 there was a place we'd go camping with our church Boy Scout troop.  It was called Falling Rock and it was a paradise for young boys that loved playing in the outdoors.  On this one occasion, as we often did, we got into a crazy competitive game of capture-the-flag.  This time though, our game was accompanied with a gnarly thunder storm.  The area when wet was extra slippery because of the massive amount of vegetation growing everywhere.  I snagged the enemies flag and took off going a 100 miles an hour (I was that fast =) ) with 3-4 guys chasing after me.  Ever since I was little I've always had the "Go big/fast or go home" mentality.  I came flying over one of the smaller cliffs that dove immediately into a steep slope.  When I hit the slick slope, I went into an instant out of control slide.  I threw my hands back into the ground to try and slow my momentum.  My hands hit every rock and branch the entire way down.  In the process, my right hand got split wide open and completely filled with gravel and dirt.

Falling Rock-Our old stomping grounds

As my hand bled all over the place, I made my way up to the cabin so I could get it cleaned up and taken care of.  The cut was bad and the rocks were buried deep.  My dad was one of the Scout masters.  He did his best to clean it up and get as much of the crap out as he could.  The problem was, there was a rock so deep and it hurt so bad, that I didn't allow my dad to finish cleaning it out.  I could take a lot of pain but, I could only take so much.  We both knew it was in there.  We both knew that it'd be really bad news if we left it in there.  But, I, being a big fat baby, insisted he just leave it alone, promising we'd "figure it out later".

Well, waiting didn't help make digging it out later hurt any less.  So, I just left it in there.  My body decided to do the best it could to minimize the damage and began to heal the rest of my hand.  My hand became hard and calloused over top of where the rock was buried.  Eventually, it started to hurt less but, there was the glaring reality that there was STILL a rock buried in my hand.  Pretending there wasn't did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.  Anyway, long story longer, my body eventually worked the rock out completely on it's own cause one way or the other, it had to come out. And when it came out, it was a disgusting infected mess.  It was gross and it stunk...like literally smelled awful.  Of course it had to happen at a dance we were having at a youth conference.   Sure loved having that as the topic of discussion among the young women-Not.

I guess the point is, I've been through some serious stuff over the last several years and I can't pretend that everything is completely ok yet.  I've got to dig out the causes of my proverbial infections and deal with them in a healthy way, rather than letting them sit and fester for another decade, if I'm ever going to be able to truly heal properly.  Because of that, I will give any who might read this a heads up that for the first little while on this blog, it's not going to be very pleasant.  Quite the contrary actually.  I imagine getting years and years of infection out will be rather cantankerous, so please bear with me as I work it out. 

I guess this brings me to my third motivation for writing.  I finally believe from the bottom of my heart that it's possible for me to heal.  And if it's possible for someone as broken as me to heal, it's most certainly possible for anyone else to heal as well.  I will be writing this blog with the hopes that if by some small chance a stranger, or a friend, or family member happens to come across this, they might find hope in something I share.  I have debated heavily in my mind whether or not to leave this blog open or have it closed.  I have consider this for several reasons.  First, I'm going to be largely talking to my kids.  I'm a very private person and I've been concerned about the repercussions of people other than them knowing my business.  I realize not all the things I write about will be age appropriate to them for a while.  Secondly, a lot of the stuff I have to say won't cast me in a particularly positive light.  A lot of what I have put myself through, I'm not proud of.  By disclosing my history and what I've been through I will be opening myself up to judgement and even ridicule, I suppose. Thirdly,  I wouldn't want to embarrass my kids or anybody else that's close to me. 

Having weighed all that very seriously, I guess I've come to a point in my life where I just don't care anymore what people might think of me.  If my story could help one other person on this planet  feel like they aren't utterly alone in the struggles they may be going through,  it'd be worth any and all negative attention that might come my way for being open.  It would be such a large waste to hide my experiences if those very experiences could be even the smallest help to someone else out there in need.  I guess one positive thing is, by being open and honest, no person alive will ever be able to accuse me of being anything less than sincere.

One other thing I'll say is I am Mormon.  A very very imperfect Mormon. I was raised in an LDS family and I happen to believe what I was taught with all my heart.  In my life I've lived according to what I was taught but, I've also had seasons where I've strayed from what I believe to be true.  The times I've spent living closest to what I believe have been the happiest, most peaceful times in my life.  The times I have strayed from that which I feel to be true  have been the darkest, most lonely, empty, and miserable times in my life.  I do not believe that is a coincidence.  A lot what I have to say will be with the pretense of having an LDS background.  I am very well aware that not everyone believes the exact same things I do and that's perfectly OK with me.  We all have reasons for believing what we do.  I respect all  who are trying to be good decent people irregardless of their specific beliefs.   But, I've only got one background to work with so that's the one I'm gonna roll with.  Mormons are peculiar for sure, I won't deny that.  If anybody reads this and is confused by what I write within a religious context, please feel free to ask me questions.  I'll do my best to answer.

So, with all that being said, feel free to read my madness if you feel so inclined.

I only have one rule on my blog: PLEASE BE KIND TO ONE ANOTHER