The simple request

In my last post I ended with what I said was the one rule on my blog but, it was really more of a plea: Please be kind to one another.  The reason it's my one simple request is because I have come to realize by going through what I've gone through that we're all just here in this life struggling it out the best way we know how.  Each of us is in our individual circumstances contending with our own personal struggles in the present tense.  That's obvious enough.  What I feel often gets overlooked is the fact that who and what we are is a culmination of a lifetime of experiences, a lifetime of decisions (both good and bad), a lifetime of external circumstances (both good and bad) including: influences of others, harm caused to us by others, environmental influences etc. All of which has lead us up to the very moment we find ourselves in right now, complete with the fears, tendencies, insecurities, anxieties and scars that often come with life experience.

I've come to be semi-patiently amused by people who perpetually insist on giving their two cents on everything they know nothing about.  They tend to say things such as "If I were you...I would..." (Go ahead and fill in the blanks.  I'm sure you've had plenty of instances yourself with people like this.  They're everywhere).  It's like, "No, actually you wouldn't.  Because if you WERE me, you would've done exactly as I did because you would've had every experience and circumstance in my life that led up to how I acted/behaved in the first place now wouldn't ya?"

I have been on the receiving end of rather unpleasant interaction caused by inaccurate assumptions people have made about me.  It's happened multiple times in the past, even very recent past.  Although hurtful, sometimes extremely, overall I'm largely OK with it because of the very fact of what I was saying earlier-It applies to me too.  If I was them, I'd be viewing the Prism of Life from their unique point of view, not mine own.  By operating with their set of circumstances, I would see, say, and do exactly as they did, no matter how much I liked it or not.  And I try and respect that.

But, attempting to respect it doesn't always take away the sting of when someone is unkind to us, let alone when someone "despitefully uses you, and persecutes you" (Mathew 5:44).   Even though this particular instance isn't a big deal,  I have an experience I'm going to share because it shows exactly why I feel it's important we all just be a little extra mindful of one another's feelings-you never know what's going on in someone's heart and mind.

A little over a year ago I was struggling with winter as I often do.  I posted something on Facebook about it in an effort to make light of my beef with winter, mostly so I could try I keep the mood in my own head from diving into a funk.  My post was intended to be completely harmless but, it rubbed one of my close friend's really wrong because of something they were going through that I was completely unaware of.  They had a close friend going through the death of their baby and here I was whining about the cold.  Their responses to me were a little unexpected and came off somewhat harsh to be honest.  I'm grateful it happened though because it spurred me to put pen to paper and gave me a chance to articulate some things that really need sorting out. Out of respect for their privacy, I'll leave out what was said to me.  Anyway, this and other correspondence I had had concurrently opened up a can of emotions that I've struggled with for the last several years.  I wrote the following as a response to the comments.  Luckily, it was way too long for Facebook to post as a comment so I didn't end up posting it.  Looking back, I don't think it would've been very good timing for me to be as open to the whole world back then as it is now.  This is definitely some of the "Infection" I've refered to so you might want to brace yourselves and please bear with me.  It's gonna get a little bit ugly.


Here it is:

"I think I'm going to do something I normally don't do on Facebook (or in real life for that matter)-I'm going to open up a little bit.  I'm going to do so with the hopes that, for whoever might care, will have the chance to be able to understand me a little better.  Sure, I'm really open about certain things in my life, such as my kids.  I'm certain most people have noticed that a large majority of my posts are regarding them.  After all, they are my world.  The rest of my posts are usually things that I find amusing, so I'll post them with the hopes that it might put a smile on somebody else's face.  But, before I go into some stuff that's very personal to me, I want to apologize to you (Name withheld), or anyone else if my posts have ever hurt your feelings or rubbed you the wrong way.  I would never ever intend to hurt anyone in general let alone people who I care so much about.  After reading your second comment and thinking about it, I can totally see why me griping about the cold weather would seem extremely petty and even weak in comparison to the loss that your friends just experienced. Especially since you read my post right after hearing the sad news.  And the fact is, it is weak in comparison.  I've never met them but, just hearing of the tragedy makes my heart ache for them.  I can't begin to imagine the pain they are going through right now or the pain they will continue to face going forward.  The thought of losing Collin or Eden is something I can't even bare thinking about.  I am so so sad that your friends are now required to live through such a heartbreaking experience.

Here's where I'm going to open up a little bit about me.  One thing is for certain, I can't perfectly relate to any parent who has had a little one pass away, as I've never had to experience that. I can however, relate to and understand loss on an extremely deep level.  I have experienced losing the person who I asked to spend eternity with me.  I didn't lose her due to death.  I lost her due to me. That fact alone, for me, massively compounds the pain associated with this particular instance of loss. I have experienced the death (so to speak) of an eternal family.  There are relationships within my once family unit that are now dead and gone, not temporarily, but, forever.  I have watched some of my most personal, sacred dreams die right before my eyes.  I am so very grateful that I live as close to my kids as I do.  I'm so very grateful that Shannon and I have such a good relationship considering our circumstances.  She does so much to make our situation as good as it possibly can be.  And for that, I'll be forever grateful.

I feel that the hardest part of the reality in which I live is the complexity of it all.  On the one hand, I truly do have faith that Heavenly Father is more than capable of consecrating any challenge/heartache/trial that we face for our good.  I do believe that that the hardships we go through, whether they're self-inflicted (which, most of mine are) or inflicted by others, can refine us IF we allow them to.  But, on the other hand, I also have to live with the effects of all the loss I currently experience on minute-to-minute, hour-to hour, day-to-day basis.  The effects seem never ending.  I could list a thousand examples of what I'm talking about but, I'm just going to write a couple to illustrate.  Take Christmas morning, for instance.  I didn't wake up on Christmas morning.  I didn't have to.  I had been laying in my bed wide awake all night long because my heart hurt so bad knowing that at any moment, Collin and Eden would be waking up (with the excitement and wonder that accompanies Christmas morning) and yet, I wouldn't be there to experience it with them.  Instead, I'd all by myself, absolutely and utterly alone four blocks away.  Did I get to see them shortly after that?  Yes, of course I did.  Am I grateful for that?  Immensely!  But, being sincerely grateful doesn't change the fact that the dynamics I have with my kids (and would-be eternal companion) are now forever changed.

How bout this one?  My little Eden will one day find someone who will want to sweep her off her feet and carry her off into the sunset.  Giving her away to someone else will be hard enough as it is.  There is always is a daddy/daughter dance at the wedding.  With the reality I now find myself in, I can't help but, ask: Who is she going to want to dance with?  Will it be me?  Will it not be me?  Will it be her step dad?  Will there be two dances?  Either way, nothing now is the way it could've been.

Not just big events like Christmas but, the everyday day-to-day things are something that I have to live with missing on a constant basis as well. Who gets to tuck my kids into bed at night? I don't.  Who eats breakfast with my kids and drops my son off to school in the mornings? I don't.  If Eden gets sick in the middle of the night, who gets up to tend to her?  That wouldn't be me either. Many fathers are absentee and couldn't care less if the didn't have get up, when they'd rather be sleeping to clean puke up in the middle of the night. Words can't describe what it would mean to me to be able to be in a position to be able to get up and clean up and comfort my little angel in instances like that! Like I said, I could go on and on and on with examples such as this but, there's no real need to.

See, considering what I've been through, I am actually an unjustifiably optimistic person. I don't prefer to mope around feeling sorry for myself, although I confess there are times that I do. I prefer to be aware and thankful for all that is good in my life.  I am keenly aware that I have many many blessings and things could always be worse. But, true to form with everything else in my life, insert complexity.

Aside from the loss and failures I've experienced (which, by the way, I take full accountability for) I also have had to endure the scourge of depression. I don't know why. I never asked for it. But, we rarely do ask for the internal battles that we find ourselves struggling with. The problem for me with depression is two fold: It runs counter to my natural inclination to be optimistic. And it has a way of compounding itself exponentially because of how conscientious I am of all that is good in my life. I try my best to be happy and hopeful. I try my best to have gratitude for the blessings I've been gifted. But, sprinkle an unhealthy dose of depression into my natural tendencies to be optimistic, and my predisposition to be aware of my blessings, and you come up with a complex, counteracting disaster. Every attempt that I make to acknowledge something positive in my life is countered by the harsh reality that always surrounds me. For example, when I get to be with my kids, no matter what we're doing, I do my best to live in the moment and appreciate every second that I do get to be with them. But, inevitably, my time spent with them is haunted by the fact that sooner rather than later, they will be going away from me again. The battle between my desire to be grateful/optimistic is always raging with my frail mortal body that is susceptible to depressive tendencies.  A battle, by the way, I'm determined to fight my whole life in order to win if necessary.

Once again, I could write a 1000 examples of how my battles with depression play out everyday. But, there's no point to because I sincerely do prefer to focus on things that are positive. I merely write the example to shed some light onto where I'm coming from. *As a side note-my dislike for the cold has a reason that runs far deeper than me just being fussy because I don't prefer a certain type of weather. The cold/winter/snow have a very large impact on my biochemical functionality.  Depression is ugly. It can be debilitating.  And It is very very real to me.  Since depression is such an omnipresent battle in my life, I just prefer the sunshine and being warm because, for whatever reason, I just feel my capacity to deal with it is increased when I am in those conditions.  And truth be told, I need all the help I can get.  Luckily, I've come to learn how to cope with depression pretty darn effectively.  I'd go as far as to say that I'm able to control it now whereas before, often times, it controlled me.

I guess the bottom line is, in many ways I am finally to a point where I've become thankful for the struggles I've had to experience. I haven't shared a lot of the things I've gone through or the feelings associated with them with very many people for several reasons.  First of all, I really do care about other people's feelings.  I don't want to be a rain cloud in anyone else's life.  My life the last several years has been filled with much pain and anguish.  I wouldn't want that bleeding out all over someone else and effecting them in a negative capacity.  Secondly, I am very aware that everybody experiences hardships in this life.  All of us are going through our own set of unique challenges.  I wouldn't be OK with, if me by sharing, somebody ended up feeling like I felt as if my life was SOO much harder than anyone else's-thereby rendering the perception that I was too busy feeling sorry for myself to be available to help them in their time of need, because I don't feel that way at all.  And thirdly, the pain of it all is so very personal.   I've tried to only share my experiences with people in situations where I've felt that it might be of some benefit to them.  Enough damage has been caused because of the hardships I've put myself through, the trials I've been put through, and the heartache I've put others through.  I have a humble hope that if and when I share, I might somehow, someway be able to help and lift others that are facing similar hardships as the ones I've experienced.  Rather than my story being a negative one that inadvertently brings other people down.

There's a hymn that has a few lines in it that have stood out to me every time I've heard it over the last several years.  It's the song "Lord, I Would Follow Thee."  In it is says: "In the quiet heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can't see." Then it goes on to say: "To the wounded and the weary
I would show a gentle heart."  These words are powerful to me.  I've tried my best to show a gentle heart to everyone I interact with for the very reason that I know all of us are suffering from, in one form or another,  a flavor(s) of "sorrow that the eye can't see."  I do know how it feels to be wounded and weary. I do know what it feels like to emotionally battered and spiritually beaten. I know how it feels to lose the most precious things in my life.  And because of how broken I was inside at one point, I know how it it feels to collapse on my bedroom floor and sob so violently that my tear ducts ruptured, blood and tears coming from my eyes as blood simultaneously flowed from my nose, and as I coughed up blood out my mouth.   All the while fearing I was literally going to suffocate on my own blood, snot and tears.

Unfortunately, the pain I experienced physically paled massively in comparison to the pain I felt inside. In short, I know what it feels like to have an agony so great, I didn't want to merely die.  Dying wouldn't have been enough...I wanted to completely and utterly cease to exist.  For my spirit to dissipate into the farthest expanses of space.  The pain became so great I slipped into what I can only describe as a sorrow induced coma.  I eventually passed out under the weight of it all and didn't wake up for almost 3 days.  As intense as the agony has been for me, I never have had any delusions that what I've been through have ever been any worse or any easier than the pain anyone else has had to live through.  I say this with no barb intended whatsoever but, I sometimes wish that the greatest trial any of us had to face was something as inconsequential as in-climate weather.  But, what would be the point of that?  None of us would have much of an opportunity to learn and grow if life didn't demand it.  And growth and refinement is part of God's plan, and so, I'm in favor of it even though it can hurt, and hurt deep.

After reading this I think people might be able to understand why I don't like to talk about it.  It has been my own personal journey to hell and back.  A journey I'm still on.  I haven't wanted to burden others with the unpleasantness of all of it.  I guess my hope for writing this is to merely give anybody who might care, a glimpse into what I've been going through.  I do feel like I've been, however unintentionally, misunderstood on multiple occasions by people dear to me.  I suppose I can only blame myself for that though.  How are people to know any different if I keep everything so locked up inside all of the time?

The bright side in all of this for me, is that because I am so closely acquainted with grief, I've been given an opportunity to have to have hope that healing is possible.  I do have that hope.  I do have that faith.  I have hope that any of my friends or family that are currently struggling with nightmares of their own might have comfort and the strength to heal.  I have hope for the family that lost their precious little 10 month old son that they may somehow someway find comfort, and their hearts may mend after such a tragedy.  I admit, It's harder for me to have the hope for myself that, I too, might by some miracle, come out from under all of this a better person.  But, I hang onto that hope.   Even if I'm just hanging on by a hangnail.  Please just know that I really am doing the best I can for what I've got to work with.

I don't necessarily expect anyone to have a response to this post. I didn't say any of this in an attempt to solicit pity or sympathy.  I just felt like it could give someone a chance to see some things through my point of view.  If anyone does have anything they'd like to say, please go ahead and send me a private message.  Even though I just made all of this very public by posting it online, I would still prefer any conversations regarding it going forward to be done in private between me and whoever might have something to add individually.

Love to you all!"



And so there you have it.  I highly doubt many people (except maybe that white haired guy at Target that one night who called me by name whom I'd never seen before that asked me if I was OK) would've been able to look me in the face and be able to see the hurricane of agony that has been raging in the confines of my mind for so long.  And what I shared was just a glimpse =).  But, so it is with us all.  Hence the charge by our Savior.  He said "A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.  By this shall men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another." (John 13: 34-35)

Years from now when Collin and Eden read this, this will ring home to them.  "Be kind to one another" is something they've heard me say many many many times.  I'm so grateful they have taken this little mantra to heart.  They are always kind to me.  Always have been.  It's a wonderful feeling when I get to watch them be kind to each other and to all the other people they interact with.  It comes to them naturally and I trust they'll carry that tendency with them as they grow, blessing more and more people as they go.

I am so grateful for all the kind people I have in my life.  I am very aware this entry is long and emotionally exhausting.  Trust me, I know.  I not only wrote it, I lived it.  But, luckily I really feel like I'm on the upswing now.  I've experienced a considerable amount of healing since a year ago when that long response was written.  And my journey all along the way has been lightened by the kindness of others.  I shared some pretty bleak experiences in this entry.  However I'd like to end with a mention of my four beautiful sisters that personified to me Christ's example of how I'd imagine He'd treat the broken hearted-me in this instance.

After the decision for Shannon and I had been made to get a divorce, I went home to my parents home in Idaho.  At the time, my little sisters Shauntel and Kelli were still living at home.  With everything being so fresh there's only one way to describe my state: I was a complete and utter train wreck.  I remember one night I was in my bedroom curled up in the fetal position on my bed softly as possible bawling my eyes out.  I had my head buried in my pillow cause I hate the way I sound when I cry and on top of that, I didn't want anyone else knowing.  Next thing I know, the door quietly opened up and Shaunie walked in, came over and sat on the edge of my bed.  She picked my head up off my pillow and rested it gently on her lap.  Kelli quietly came in too, sat on the other side and softly rubbed my back.  Neither said a word.  My angel sisters just let me cry it out as they loved me, in spite of me.

It's a very humbling thing to look back on that time.  I was the oldest brother who although far from perfect, had tried so hard for so long to be a good example to all my other siblings.  And there I was, laying in the wreckage of Hurricane Adam and they came to my rescue.  Although my sisters Kari and Rachel were living far away from where I was, they too treated me with unparralled kindness.  Kari would call me and patiently leave messages when I wouldn't answer my phone.  She knew it wasn't a matter of me not wanting to answer, it was a matter of me not being capable of answering because of how unbearable things were.  She too was an angel who patiently loved me through.

Not long after all this, I moved to Arizona for the first time.  Rachel took her turn tagging in as one of my guardian angels here on earth.  She called and text me every single day to make sure I was still alive and to reassure me that I was loved and had people who still believed in me.  These acts of kindness from my sisters surely played a pivotal part in fostering the environment that was necessary for my soul to begin to get back to where I could believe I worth saving. 

I am living proof that recieving kindness and compassion when all seems lost can make all the difference in the world, even to those in the most broken of circumstances.  And so, from the bottom of my heart, I thank all of those who have been kind to me.  And may we all make an effort to be just a little kinder to one another.  It is after all, what our Savior has charged us to do.