Music-One of my life's great passions
Music-One of my life's greatest trials

Music has been one of my passions as far back as I can remember.  Several of my earliest memories involve music. One of those memories is being held by my beautiful mother on the inside of her robe on a night I was cold and scared.  I remember feeling safe and loved as she sang to me "Addy boy I love you so, your happy smiling face, it's such a joy to look at, it makes home a lovely place."  Another early early memory I have is Dad playing the piano in the front room when he came home from work. My brothers and older sister would run round and round in circles while he played  "The 12th Street Rag" till we'd fall over laughing having the time of our lives.  I honestly think one of the main reasons those memories stuck is because they were associated with music.  Music has a powerful, lasting effect on the brain when it comes to memories, as I've come to experience first hand.

Music has been my choice of entertainment for quite a while.  I'd much rather listen to music than watch TV any day of the week.  The range of music I like is about as broad as it can get.  I suppose I love music for the same reasons most people love their music.  One particular reason being- we connect with it.  We can relate to songs/lyrics/music in ways that we otherwise would have an impossible time expressing on our own. Have you ever come across a song that depicts exactly how you "feel" at a particular point in you life?  I have.  Many many times.  Often times for the good but, if I'm being honest, more often for the bad.  I came to a point in my own life where I felt like I had to admit to myself that music has a much greater impact on me than I heretofore had been willing to recognize.

Prior to this blog, I haven't shared very much with very many people about the details of my of life.  As I've mentions before in earlier posts, the reason being is I haven't wanted to be a rain cloud in anyone else's life.  I've been trying to work things out and improve things in my life lately.  But, I still have felt pretty battered and bean for a while now. And one of the major truths that I've had to own up to is that music must contribute to the perpetuation of those feelings.  I realized that the vast majority of what I have gravitated towards (even though my love for music spans all genres, except Mariachi bands) tends to be angry.  It's loud.  It's hopeless.  It numbs me.  The lyrics often times are pain-filled, dripping with regret..tormented. When it wasn't angry and tormented, my music was often flippant and defiant, even vulgar.  I feel like the music itself conveys the inner battle that seems to be constantly raging inside of me in a way that words alone otherwise couldn't adequately portray.

As I look back on my life, as of late, the only way I'd been able to describe it is it's adequately resembled a train wreck.  Broken marriage.  Broken business endeavors.  Broken promises.  Broken hearts.  At least in my heart and mind, I have felt like someone who has been ran over by a train that's laying in an intensive care unit fighting for their life.  I have noticed that music can calm, soothe and even help heal a troubled heart.  Or it can be exactly like formaldehyde preserving a dead body.  It has the capability to preserve all the hurt and pain that the lyrics and rhythms relate to in the very first place.  I would be willing to bet my life that music truly does have the power to "preserve our minds".  Whether that be for better or worse.  I guess the bottom line is, I have been doing everything I can to clean up my "train wreck".  I've got so much that I'm working to correct in my life. And the truth is, I haven't been able to do it with a steady stream of formaldehyde to my brain. 

"Daddy, I'm scared"

Growing up I really didn't have a problem with music.  For the most part it back then, my music consumption was fairly tame.  It was more after my mission that my preferences started to sway.  The first time I really realized that music can be a dangerous tool of the adversary was when I went on a road trip to Indiana with some friends.  I had fallen asleep in the car (something I rarely do).  I remember being out cold and all of the sudden the song "Last Resort" from Papa Roach came on.  It was like someone jammed a syringe full of nor-epinephrine straight into my heart.  I woke up instantly feeling completely jacked.  The adrenaline rush was crazy and the instant rage I felt made no sense, and the scary part was, it felt good.  I remember having a distinct impression all those years ago that the chord pattern used in that song (it's also used in Greenday's "Brain Stew") and the lyrics written had the potential to destroy me.  What is so sad is that even after having that impression, the decisions I've made over the years have put me in a position where that song has almost become the anthem of my life.

I've gone back and forth on whether to post a couple of songs that I've related to for so long or not.  I don't want to perpetuate the distribution of destructive media.  Nor do I want to introduce poison to others.  But, I've decided to post a couple for the purpose of giving a glimpse of what it's felt like on the inside of my mind and by so doing, give a very stark warning that listening to music like these examples only numbs the heart and blinds the mind.  I say in advance that they are offensive.

Here's the one I woke up to on my road trip and had subsequently been a mainstay in what could describe how I've felt inside.  I'll say it again.  It is loud and offensive.

Here's one that a person looking at me on the street or even people who know me really well would be blown away to know that I've ever even heard this song let alone know every single word by heart and have related to it for years and years.





Being able to relate to these songs and a 1000 others just like them for so long, is it any wonder I know what it feels like to sit in a parked car at night with a loaded .45 in my hand trying to decided if I should do the world a favor by pulling the trigger?

A couple of years ago Collin and Eden were at my place.  We always listen to music together.  Of course I never play angry/tormented stuff like this around them. Instead it's fun, beautiful, uplifting songs.  But, one day this next song came on because we were listening to a "recently played" play list.  "Erase My Scars" happened to be one of my "fight" songs.  I related so deeply to this one because it purveys the feelings I felt inside as I've wanted so bad to change once and for all but, couldn't seem to because I was so broken inside.  The lyrics were so similar to the many conversations I'd have back and forth with myself in my head.





When this song began, Eden's response hit me between my eye's and seared into my heart forever.  I was standing a couple feet away and she look at me as her big beautiful eyes became huge, riddled with a terrified look.  She took a couple of steps toward me and put her arms around my leg, looked up at me and in the saddest tone said "Daddy, I'm scared."  She was terrified.  I could feel her little heart pounding on my leg.  The happy, joyful atmosphere we had was instantly replaced with darkness merely by the intro to that song.  Music (one of the biggest parts of my life), listened to by her daddy when he's all by himself and it absolutely terrified her.  It was then that I recognized on a very personal level that yes indeed, the effects of music  are far reaching and run deep.

The crazy thing is those 3 songs were on the exact same playlist as the last two I'm going to put up. "Erase My Scars" came on right after this song that we were previously listening to by Celtic Women called "Over The Rainbow."





I can relate to beautiful music too.  Even in my darkest moments, there have always been beautiful things in my life. As it so happens, even including the hardest period of my life, the all-time most listened to song in my iTunes library is the song "Come Thou Fount" performed by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.  There is no song written on earth I can relate to more than this one.  Sadly, "Last Resort" by Papa Roach is a close close second.  I'm going to add the lyrics below the video because they are so powerful.  Read along as the song plays.  You'll see what I mean.

                                        Come, thou fount of every blessing, tune my heart to sing thy grace.

                                        Streams of mercy, never ceasing, call for songs of loudest praise.

                                        Teach me some melodious sonnet sung by flaming tongues above;

                                        Praise the mount, I'm fixed upon it, mount of thy redeeming love.

                                        Here I raise my Ebenezer, hither by thy help I come,

                                        And I hope by thy good pleasure safely to arrive at home.

                                        Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love.

                                        Here's my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above.

                                        Jesus sought me when a stranger wandering from the fold of God.

                                        He, to rescue me from danger, interposed His precious blood.

                                        Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love.

                                        Here's my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above.

                                        O to grace, how great a debtor, daily I'm constrained to be!

                                        Let thy goodness like a fetter bind my wandering heart to thee.

                                        Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love.

                                        Here's my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above.

                                        Seal it for thy courts above.

Like I mentioned earlier, the ironic thing is everyone of these songs were on the exact same play list.  Anybody else see a massive contradiction there?  Welcome to my world of inner conflict.  I'd listen to this playlist throughout any given day and it didn't matter if I was at work, at the gym or before I went to bed at night.  I'd find myself with teeth clinched, eyes closed tight, tears streaming down my cheeks because I hated knowing I could relate to so much that was so hopeless.  Then songs like "Over the Rainbow" would come on and the tears would continue to flow because the beauty exuded by that song conveys the beauty to me of the love I feel for my kids.  Then "Come Thou Fount" would come on and I'd curl up in a ball because I am so "prone to wander" but, I don't want to be.  I want to be better.

Music is like so many of the adversary's other tools.  He hijacks that which is inherently good and mutates it into a virus that destroys as it spreads.  Music can lure us into a cyclical pattern that feeds off itself and progressively leads us into a mist of darkness.  The more you relate, the more you listen.  The more you listen, the more you relate. And so it goes.  A little boy listening to his beautiful mother in adoration as she sings to him to soothe his fears, over time eventually evolves into a grown, broken man who's contemplating "cut(ting) my life into pieces" as he sit's with a loaded .45 in his hand- "That' right trigger in between my eyes".  No.  I do not believe it is mere coincidence.  I do not believe there's no correlation between where I've been and the music I've let enter my brain.  Music in not just "entertainment". There's no good excuse to listen to poison.  I don't care if it is a good "lifting song" as I told myself so many times.  Fact is, a song through your ears can have as damaging effects on a person's well being as an image through your eyes, a sensation through your skin or a substance injected/snorted/inhaled/swallowed.

And that brings me to the whole purpose of this post in the first place.  With Eden's terrified look when that song came on, I recognized the need to extricate the IVs that have been pumping my soul full of formaldehyde for way too long.  I just hadn't had the courage to let go of my death grip.  Because, after all, in my loneliness over the years, most of the time, my music had been the only thing to keep me company.  Letting go of the music felt like letting go of lifelong friends who been through what I'd been through.  Faulty thinking, I know.  A thought process I'm trying to rectify.  Over the last couple of months I finally made the decision remove it from my life.  I believe as I remove one of the major sources of conflict for me in music, how can't that help me heal?  How can't I not finally move forward if I let go of the very chains that tie me to hurtful and destructive feeling of the past?  How can that not help me to have the added strength to let go of other life sucking influences in my life?

In other words, I need a new soundtrack to my life.  One with a consistently positive message.  I need to trade the lyrics of my past life in once and for all.  I'd like to ask anyone who might read this to comment or private message me any and all recommendations of good wholesome music that you'd care to share with me.  As I've emptied and deleted destructive songs from my iTunes, Pandora, Grooveshark, Spotify, Slacker Radio accounts, I'm left with a pretty big void since music is such a large part of my life and so much of it gravitated toward the angry.  I have a lot of good music but, I want to continue to fill that void that's been left by removing all the bad stuff with more great music. Your input would be most welcome and I thank any in advance who want to send recommendations my way.  I'm done with formaldehyde.  I'm done.  And I'm hopeful that any of my friends or family or anyone else who read this might take an inventory of the music you listen to and have an honest conversation with yourself on what type of influence your music brings into your life and home.  Presumably small things can have such unpresumably large consequences.


*And for the record, because I don't want to worry anybody- The sitting-in-the-car-contemplating-having-a-bullet-for-dinner incident was over 5 years ago.  I came to the conclusion that following through with something like that, my problems would be immediately waiting for me on the other side.  I would've just exponentially compounded my problems and dramatically reduced my ability to solve any of them and hurt a lot of people in the process.  So no need to worry.  I'm never going back to that place again.  I'm here to fight another day and as far as I'm concerned, will be for a long long time.  I'm going to go out of this life just how I came in-kicking and screaming.  Hopefully, with your help, there'll be an epic soundtrack in the background.

Letter from my 45 year old self

Hey Adam,

I figured it was time again to drop you a line and give you another update on how you're doing.  You made the decision in early 2014 to make some big needed changes.  You're actually off to a pretty decent start but, I have some advice that will help in solidifying your resolve in sticking with the decisions you've made once and for all.

You already are painfully aware that you've got to gain better control of your mind, body and spirit.   So I'm going give you some keys in each area on how you should go about that.

Mind

Your mind has been too polluted for too long by nefarious influences that have literally altered your decision making ability.  The 3 biggest things that you've struggled with numb you to the Spirit and make it far too easy for the adversary to cloud your mind.

1. The first one is obvious.  Porn-It's reared it's ugly head ever since you were 7 years old.  It has caused enough damage in your life to last a hundred lifetimes.  I'm here to tell you today that you do overcome it once and for all.  You do learn how to convert this horrid plague in your life into one of the most powerful growing experiences you'll ever have.  Continue doing the positive things you're already doing to overcome this but, in addition, I'm telling you to get in touch with the group called Lifestar. They have an out-patient sex/porn addiction recovery program and I want you to do whatever it takes to get enrolled in it.  It's expensive but, as you know, you can only "white knuckle" it for so long.  Porn never has been the problem, only a symptom of underlying problems that run a lot deeper.  As you get professional help and continue working with your priesthood leaders, you do come off conqueror.  
2. The second one is Music.  Over the last several months you've cleaned your selection up considerably.  Once again, it's a good start but, go back through and cut loose anything else in your library that would bring back memories of the past that don't belong in your present.
3. The third thing that you struggle with that hurts you tremendously is the way you talk to yourself.  You are not worthless.  You are not hopeless.  You are not a lost cause.  You are a son of Heavenly Father and it's time for you to embrace that reality and let everything else go.  How often do you remind Collin and Eden to be kind to each other, to everyone they meet,  and to themselves?  It's time for you to be kind to yourself too.  You would never speak to another person on earth with the venom you've spoken to yourself with over the course of your lifetime. Be kind to yourself for a change.  It's not possible to be in much of a position to "fight the good fight" if you're preoccupied punching yourself in the face or kicking yourself while you're down.

There's another thing that I want you to do that will help you reverse the damage to your brain that's been caused over the last many years.  You need to go back to school.  Don't worry!  I'm not telling you to do it for career purposes. You're chosen career path can hold it's own.  It's for the sole purpose of putting yourself in a position that will force you to exercise your mind on a more regular basis again. I think you'll actually like it too.  Utah Valley University has a really reputable flight program.  I want you to enroll in UVU's flight school and get your pilot's license.  You will soon find that flying is actually as wonderful to you as scuba diving is.  Learning to fly will give you an opportunity to put your mind to work in an academic environment with the added benefit of learning something you actually care about. All the while rewiring your beat up grey matter.  You already know you have a knack for meeting the right people at the right time.  It's no accident the Director of Aviation's son played on the same soccer team as Collin and you met him after you'd been considering the idea for months and he invited you over.  Get on that!

Body

You've gotten pretty lucky with the body you have.  In all reality, with the way you've treated it, you should be all sorts of fat, sick, and out of shape.  It is long overdue and the time is now for you to be very intentional about how you take care of yourself.  There are 3 things I want you to do with regards to your physical body.

1. Get professional help with your nutrition.  Your diet stinks Petersen.  Yeah I get it, right now you're single. You hate cooking.  You don't even own a pot or a pan.  Boo freakin hoo.  Life's tough.  It's time for you to figure it out Janet!  You have one body and it's your responsibility to take care of it.  Every facet of your life will improve as you learn to put the right types of food into your body.
2. Increase the intensity of your workouts.   I want you to get professional help alongside your nutrition and mental therapy for your physical training.  Do what it takes to find and afford a trainer to help you focus your workouts. Do this for the next several months which will prepare you for number 3.
3. There is a gym in Salt Lake City called Gym Jones.  It's a private gym and they hand pick their clients. They are more than a little hardcore.  They proclaim that they train till "Physical and psychological breakdowns occur."  You need to make getting accepted into Gym Jones a priority.  You are in need of being physically and psychologically broken down.  As you master your body in a physical sense, you acquire the self discipline you so desperately need in all areas of your life.

Spirit

Adam, as you've worked with your Priesthood leaders, especially President Haden, you've come to the realization of how merciful Heavenly Father has been to you.  He has extended a measure of mercy you weren't expecting nor deserving of.  It is vital that you always remember and keep this awareness close to your heart and at the fore front of your mind.  There are a couple of things I want you to do to ensure your spiritual well-being will stay in tact from here on out.

1. You are so close to getting your temple recommend back.  You actually get it back in the summer of 2014. Once you get it back, guard it with your life.  Hang on to what it represents and never ever let it go again.  It will be important for you to become an ordinance worker at the temple as soon as you're permitted.  This will be a great strength to you.  It's advice you'll recall that was given to you by your dad a long time ago that you haven't gotten around to following yet.  Get around to it.  It blesses your life immensely and gives you an added measure of resolve and perspective that you couldn't otherwise have.
2. You have come to some very important realizations about yourself over the last several months. Adam, you are a tantrum thrower.  A big fat baby that pitches a fit every time things don't go the way you feel they should. Remember the pattern you've discovered:
1. You start out with good intentions, you try and align your will with God's.
2. When things don't go the way you'd expected or hoped, you don't understand.
3. If you can't come to an understanding, you become frustrated and then angry.
4. When you become angry, you lose the influence of the Spirit.
5. When you lose the Spirit, it doesn't take long before you're trying to find anyway possible to numb the hurt and pain that comes with the perceived "rejection" of good, sincere desires that "never have ever been good enough".
6. And when that mind set takes over, you inevitably find yourself at the bottom of a proverbial cliff smashed up all over the rocks, bleeding from both ears.

Coming to this very important realization proves to be a pivotal milestone in your life.  Because of your recognition to this tendency, you go on to overcome it.  Over the months and years to come, you will continue to have opportunities where you will be tempted to revert to your tantrum throwing tendencies. When those times come, remember the good things you have become but, never forget the consequences of where you've been.  Remember that the topic of humility appears in your patriarchal blessing 4 separate times. There're obvious reasons for that-you need to be more humble and submissive when things don't go how you feel they should.  It's time to replace your dependence on yourself with total dependence on Heavenly Father.  It's time to trade your past habit of tripping and flying off a cliff in for the ability to trip and stumble, and then get right back up and keep going.  

There are a few other things I'd like to tell you, just to give you a little encouragement because, even though you are making a lot of really good progress lately, you still have a lot of disappointment and heartache you're working your way through.

Professional Life

As far as your professional endeavors go, let's just say, even with the imagination you've had all your life, you'd be blown away with what all transpires over the next ten years.  You and Brian prove that it is possible to rise from the ashes and build something incredible and valuable out of little more than undying determination and the stubborn refusal to ever quit.  Kennedy Petersen Holdings, Inc. and all of it's subsidiaries grow into a force to be reckoned with. As a side-note, there's a second reason why I advised you to get your pilots licence.  You'll need it if you want to be able to fly the planes in KPH's ownership. Yes, I said plane(S), as in plural.  It takes you almost 25 years from when you started but, you do fulfill the goal of owning a private jet and other planes.  I feel it's important to warn you that the next 10 years get extremely crazy.  You think the last ten have been nuts?  Basically, everything you've been through over the last decade have been preparing you for the craziness to come.  Luckily this next round, there is much more happiness and satisfaction associated with your absolutely abnormal life.  All I can say is, you better hang on for dear life because the ride gets WILD.

Relationship 

You decided 2 months ago to put yourself in a self-imposed dating hiatus for 6 months.  Continue with this.  It was a wise idea.  Build your foundation.  Stay off of dating apps like Tinder and things like it for now.  You already know what you want.  It'll be important for you to focus on being the best possible you you can be because if your foundation isn't solid, you'll never be able to build anything beautiful and lasting with someone in the future.  The good news is, you do find happiness Adam.  Remember back in 2012 when you were talking with Bishop Taylor?  You asked him if he thought it was possible for you to feel in this lifetime, happiness that was opposite to the hell and pain that you've been through. He told you that he had the strongest impression to tell you that yes, in fact, you will experience in this lifetime, joy and happiness that will be on the opposite end of the spectrum in comparison to your pain.

It's no secret to you that your heart has taken a beating this year.  But, as time goes on, you'll see that things have a way of working themselves out.  You will be married again Adam.  You will have the chance to be a husband and father again.  You treat her like the queen she is and she loves you for who you are.  You are so incredibly lucky to have her but, the crazy thing is, (even though it may be hard for you to believe this right now) she's actually lucky to have you too.  You sure aren't perfect but, you cherish her.  You take care of her.  You're aware and protective of her feelings.  You don't make the same unfortunate mistakes you made the first time around.  And you're a worthy priesthood holder that tries his best to guide your family in the way God would have you.  What's beautiful too is, even after all these years, you two can't get enough of each other.  It probably makes people want to gag come to think of it.  She's your very dearest friend and you do everything together.  When there's time you're not together, you wish you were.  Most important, you're as good to each other as you are for each other.


I just want you to know that life is truly beautiful.  There are so many good things in your life where your'e at now and so many good things on their way.  Being happy is a wonderful reality made possible by the gift of agency.  You can choose to be happy every single day of your life.  So choose it.  You prayed a couple of weeks ago on the top of Mount Timpanogos . You poured your heart out and after asked Heavenly Father if He had anything He wanted to tell you.  As you go forward in life, always remember the simple yet powerful thoughts that came to your mind.  "Go forth in faith." and "Trust in the Lord...and His timing."  The past is over! The future is bright!  Work your heart out in the present and keep your vision focused on what is truly important.  As you do, you will be blessed with peace.  It's time for me to go but, before I do, I have a favor to ask, please hug the crap out of Collin and Eden for me.  Savor this time while they're young because they only grow faster from here on out.

 



Love,

Yourself.


P.S.  That was no accident.  Yes Adam, love yourself.  Learn to love yourself.

P.P.S Get your passport renewed.  You're going to need it.