Letter from my 45 year old self

Hey Adam,

I figured it was time again to drop you a line and give you another update on how you're doing.  You made the decision in early 2014 to make some big needed changes.  You're actually off to a pretty decent start but, I have some advice that will help in solidifying your resolve in sticking with the decisions you've made once and for all.

You already are painfully aware that you've got to gain better control of your mind, body and spirit.   So I'm going give you some keys in each area on how you should go about that.

Mind

Your mind has been too polluted for too long by nefarious influences that have literally altered your decision making ability.  The 3 biggest things that you've struggled with numb you to the Spirit and make it far too easy for the adversary to cloud your mind.

1. The first one is obvious.  Porn-It's reared it's ugly head ever since you were 7 years old.  It has caused enough damage in your life to last a hundred lifetimes.  I'm here to tell you today that you do overcome it once and for all.  You do learn how to convert this horrid plague in your life into one of the most powerful growing experiences you'll ever have.  Continue doing the positive things you're already doing to overcome this but, in addition, I'm telling you to get in touch with the group called Lifestar. They have an out-patient sex/porn addiction recovery program and I want you to do whatever it takes to get enrolled in it.  It's expensive but, as you know, you can only "white knuckle" it for so long.  Porn never has been the problem, only a symptom of underlying problems that run a lot deeper.  As you get professional help and continue working with your priesthood leaders, you do come off conqueror.  
2. The second one is Music.  Over the last several months you've cleaned your selection up considerably.  Once again, it's a good start but, go back through and cut loose anything else in your library that would bring back memories of the past that don't belong in your present.
3. The third thing that you struggle with that hurts you tremendously is the way you talk to yourself.  You are not worthless.  You are not hopeless.  You are not a lost cause.  You are a son of Heavenly Father and it's time for you to embrace that reality and let everything else go.  How often do you remind Collin and Eden to be kind to each other, to everyone they meet,  and to themselves?  It's time for you to be kind to yourself too.  You would never speak to another person on earth with the venom you've spoken to yourself with over the course of your lifetime. Be kind to yourself for a change.  It's not possible to be in much of a position to "fight the good fight" if you're preoccupied punching yourself in the face or kicking yourself while you're down.

There's another thing that I want you to do that will help you reverse the damage to your brain that's been caused over the last many years.  You need to go back to school.  Don't worry!  I'm not telling you to do it for career purposes. You're chosen career path can hold it's own.  It's for the sole purpose of putting yourself in a position that will force you to exercise your mind on a more regular basis again. I think you'll actually like it too.  Utah Valley University has a really reputable flight program.  I want you to enroll in UVU's flight school and get your pilot's license.  You will soon find that flying is actually as wonderful to you as scuba diving is.  Learning to fly will give you an opportunity to put your mind to work in an academic environment with the added benefit of learning something you actually care about. All the while rewiring your beat up grey matter.  You already know you have a knack for meeting the right people at the right time.  It's no accident the Director of Aviation's son played on the same soccer team as Collin and you met him after you'd been considering the idea for months and he invited you over.  Get on that!

Body

You've gotten pretty lucky with the body you have.  In all reality, with the way you've treated it, you should be all sorts of fat, sick, and out of shape.  It is long overdue and the time is now for you to be very intentional about how you take care of yourself.  There are 3 things I want you to do with regards to your physical body.

1. Get professional help with your nutrition.  Your diet stinks Petersen.  Yeah I get it, right now you're single. You hate cooking.  You don't even own a pot or a pan.  Boo freakin hoo.  Life's tough.  It's time for you to figure it out Janet!  You have one body and it's your responsibility to take care of it.  Every facet of your life will improve as you learn to put the right types of food into your body.
2. Increase the intensity of your workouts.   I want you to get professional help alongside your nutrition and mental therapy for your physical training.  Do what it takes to find and afford a trainer to help you focus your workouts. Do this for the next several months which will prepare you for number 3.
3. There is a gym in Salt Lake City called Gym Jones.  It's a private gym and they hand pick their clients. They are more than a little hardcore.  They proclaim that they train till "Physical and psychological breakdowns occur."  You need to make getting accepted into Gym Jones a priority.  You are in need of being physically and psychologically broken down.  As you master your body in a physical sense, you acquire the self discipline you so desperately need in all areas of your life.

Spirit

Adam, as you've worked with your Priesthood leaders, especially President Haden, you've come to the realization of how merciful Heavenly Father has been to you.  He has extended a measure of mercy you weren't expecting nor deserving of.  It is vital that you always remember and keep this awareness close to your heart and at the fore front of your mind.  There are a couple of things I want you to do to ensure your spiritual well-being will stay in tact from here on out.

1. You are so close to getting your temple recommend back.  You actually get it back in the summer of 2014. Once you get it back, guard it with your life.  Hang on to what it represents and never ever let it go again.  It will be important for you to become an ordinance worker at the temple as soon as you're permitted.  This will be a great strength to you.  It's advice you'll recall that was given to you by your dad a long time ago that you haven't gotten around to following yet.  Get around to it.  It blesses your life immensely and gives you an added measure of resolve and perspective that you couldn't otherwise have.
2. You have come to some very important realizations about yourself over the last several months. Adam, you are a tantrum thrower.  A big fat baby that pitches a fit every time things don't go the way you feel they should. Remember the pattern you've discovered:
1. You start out with good intentions, you try and align your will with God's.
2. When things don't go the way you'd expected or hoped, you don't understand.
3. If you can't come to an understanding, you become frustrated and then angry.
4. When you become angry, you lose the influence of the Spirit.
5. When you lose the Spirit, it doesn't take long before you're trying to find anyway possible to numb the hurt and pain that comes with the perceived "rejection" of good, sincere desires that "never have ever been good enough".
6. And when that mind set takes over, you inevitably find yourself at the bottom of a proverbial cliff smashed up all over the rocks, bleeding from both ears.

Coming to this very important realization proves to be a pivotal milestone in your life.  Because of your recognition to this tendency, you go on to overcome it.  Over the months and years to come, you will continue to have opportunities where you will be tempted to revert to your tantrum throwing tendencies. When those times come, remember the good things you have become but, never forget the consequences of where you've been.  Remember that the topic of humility appears in your patriarchal blessing 4 separate times. There're obvious reasons for that-you need to be more humble and submissive when things don't go how you feel they should.  It's time to replace your dependence on yourself with total dependence on Heavenly Father.  It's time to trade your past habit of tripping and flying off a cliff in for the ability to trip and stumble, and then get right back up and keep going.  

There are a few other things I'd like to tell you, just to give you a little encouragement because, even though you are making a lot of really good progress lately, you still have a lot of disappointment and heartache you're working your way through.

Professional Life

As far as your professional endeavors go, let's just say, even with the imagination you've had all your life, you'd be blown away with what all transpires over the next ten years.  You and Brian prove that it is possible to rise from the ashes and build something incredible and valuable out of little more than undying determination and the stubborn refusal to ever quit.  Kennedy Petersen Holdings, Inc. and all of it's subsidiaries grow into a force to be reckoned with. As a side-note, there's a second reason why I advised you to get your pilots licence.  You'll need it if you want to be able to fly the planes in KPH's ownership. Yes, I said plane(S), as in plural.  It takes you almost 25 years from when you started but, you do fulfill the goal of owning a private jet and other planes.  I feel it's important to warn you that the next 10 years get extremely crazy.  You think the last ten have been nuts?  Basically, everything you've been through over the last decade have been preparing you for the craziness to come.  Luckily this next round, there is much more happiness and satisfaction associated with your absolutely abnormal life.  All I can say is, you better hang on for dear life because the ride gets WILD.

Relationship 

You decided 2 months ago to put yourself in a self-imposed dating hiatus for 6 months.  Continue with this.  It was a wise idea.  Build your foundation.  Stay off of dating apps like Tinder and things like it for now.  You already know what you want.  It'll be important for you to focus on being the best possible you you can be because if your foundation isn't solid, you'll never be able to build anything beautiful and lasting with someone in the future.  The good news is, you do find happiness Adam.  Remember back in 2012 when you were talking with Bishop Taylor?  You asked him if he thought it was possible for you to feel in this lifetime, happiness that was opposite to the hell and pain that you've been through. He told you that he had the strongest impression to tell you that yes, in fact, you will experience in this lifetime, joy and happiness that will be on the opposite end of the spectrum in comparison to your pain.

It's no secret to you that your heart has taken a beating this year.  But, as time goes on, you'll see that things have a way of working themselves out.  You will be married again Adam.  You will have the chance to be a husband and father again.  You treat her like the queen she is and she loves you for who you are.  You are so incredibly lucky to have her but, the crazy thing is, (even though it may be hard for you to believe this right now) she's actually lucky to have you too.  You sure aren't perfect but, you cherish her.  You take care of her.  You're aware and protective of her feelings.  You don't make the same unfortunate mistakes you made the first time around.  And you're a worthy priesthood holder that tries his best to guide your family in the way God would have you.  What's beautiful too is, even after all these years, you two can't get enough of each other.  It probably makes people want to gag come to think of it.  She's your very dearest friend and you do everything together.  When there's time you're not together, you wish you were.  Most important, you're as good to each other as you are for each other.


I just want you to know that life is truly beautiful.  There are so many good things in your life where your'e at now and so many good things on their way.  Being happy is a wonderful reality made possible by the gift of agency.  You can choose to be happy every single day of your life.  So choose it.  You prayed a couple of weeks ago on the top of Mount Timpanogos . You poured your heart out and after asked Heavenly Father if He had anything He wanted to tell you.  As you go forward in life, always remember the simple yet powerful thoughts that came to your mind.  "Go forth in faith." and "Trust in the Lord...and His timing."  The past is over! The future is bright!  Work your heart out in the present and keep your vision focused on what is truly important.  As you do, you will be blessed with peace.  It's time for me to go but, before I do, I have a favor to ask, please hug the crap out of Collin and Eden for me.  Savor this time while they're young because they only grow faster from here on out.

 



Love,

Yourself.


P.S.  That was no accident.  Yes Adam, love yourself.  Learn to love yourself.

P.P.S Get your passport renewed.  You're going to need it.