Dear (21 year old) Adam,

Hey there Adam,

It's your 35 year old self.  I wanted to write you this letter and give you an update on how you're doing in life.  As you read this, you're fresh off of your mission and full of hope and fire.  You served an honorable mission and your heart is in the right place in every aspect of your life.  You always have had a heart of gold and the best of intentions. That is why it saddens me so deeply to have to tell you all that I'm about to.

Somehow between where you were (with all your tender hearted ambitions) and where you are now, 14 years later, you lost yourself somewhere along the way.  Life hasn't turned out even remotely close to how you hoped.  You have so much pain and sorrow up ahead.  You will experience failure in every facet of your life that will leave you so battered.  So broken.  You will experience what it feels like for your heart to shatter to the point where you will beg God to allow you to cease to exist.  You will feel the harrowing torment that comes as a result of losing the woman you'd asked to spend eternity with you due to your failure to live the way you know you should.

Even though you didn't ask for it, because of the things you were exposed to as an innocent child, you will experience depression and addiction.  Even with that heart of gold of yours, you will come to disappoint and hurt the people closest to you.  You will try with all sincerity to correct your faults and mistakes, yet you will fail in every single effort to make the changes needed for long enough to have it matter.

On top of the personal and family failures you've got coming, you also have some monster business disasters that are about to own you.  In short, the impending mountains of disappointment combined with betrayal you'll face, added to the consequent depression and adverse affects this will have on your emotional well being, it will all lead to the "Perfect Storm" the adversary has been waiting for for you to be reduced to a state in which you will be vulnerable enough to do things you'd never think you are capable of doing right now.  And in the process you will lose every single thing that ever meant anything to you.

I am so so embarrassed and sorry to have to admit all this to you.  I know exactly what you'd be thinking if I was back in your spot reading this right now.  You wouldn't believe a single word of it.  Why would you?  You were raised so much better than this.  You, like Nephi of old, can legitimately declare that you were born of "goodly" parents.  Mom and Dad's example and guidance has been unwavering.  You have spent an entire lifetime preparing for, and the last two years teaching everything that runs contrary to the nightmare being described to you in this letter.  But, irregardless of your disbelief in where you're about to go or irrespective of the disbelief I have as sit here with right now as I contemplate where I've been, it doesn't matter.  It's on the horizon.  All of it and more.  And it's raging toward you very rapidly.  So it is with a heavy heart but, I must warn you to brace yourself because the storm of your lifetime is coming.

This letter isn't intended to be as horribly defeating as an outsider looking in might mistakenly view it.  There are few key things about where you end up after all the heartbreak you have to go through that are actually quite positive.  I humbly but, confidently can say that today you are a compassionate, loving person.  You don't have a single judgmental bone left in your body.  You are continuously aware that you have so much about yourself you need to work on, you don't waste precious time nit picking other people's short comings. You just love them anyway.  You have had many opportunities to suffer because of the selfish actions of others.  As a result, you have developed the powerful and spiritually imperative ability to forgive and to do so quickly.

This is just an observation but, I've noticed you have an uncanny ability to crash and burn in epic fashion.  No offense but, I don't quite know exactly what your deal is.  In fact, my mind is effectively blown as I contemplate this not so little character flaw of ours.  However ridiculous our "all or nothing" tendency has been, and even though it's caused us a disproportionate amount of unnecessary trouble in our life, there is a silver lining to this one.  By crashing as hard and often as you have, you have learned how to get up.  And to get up again.  And again.  And again!  There have been times when you've laid in a busted up heap for longer than you should have but, you always do get up for one more round.  And that smells a lot like determination to me-The very thing you want your kids to know you for most of all when you go down for the last and final time.  So, in reality, Heavenly Father, in his tender mercy, is consecrating your mistakes for your good even though you're an idiot lol.  By, the way, lol stands for "Laugh out loud".  You'll come to learn that before too long.  You wouldn't understand now because your current phone isn't even capable of sending or recieving what is called a "text message".  Sorry, your phone isn't as cool as you think it is.  I digress.  Focus Adam.  Focus.

There are some other invaluable lessons you've learn as a result of ending up as a heartbreaking divorce statistic.  You will be blessed with the most adorable, kind, loving and wonderful son and daughter you could possibly imagine.  Collin and Eden will be your saving grace.  The Lord is merciful and He loves you.  They are evidence of that.  He knew what would happen in your life long before everything fell apart, including your temple marriage.  You have had to believe that He would have contingencies in place to compensate where you will come up short.  And the truth is, He has.



 Once again, there is a silver lining present in this aspect of your life as well.  Although you're in for agony caused by loneliness that your mind isn't capable of comprehending right now, you will develop a love and appreciation for your kids that I don't believe you would've been able to develop otherwise.  In your case, absence truly does make the heart grow fonder.  Because you aren't with them nearly as much as you would like, you are always thinking of them.  You make the time count when you are with them.  Your relationship with them is not ordinary.  It is very special and all three of you can feel it.  Most importantly, they know you love them.  They know it Adam.  So you haven't failed completely.  Never ever forget that because it counts.

And so, as it stands right now, you've come to a pretty critical point in you journey.  The love you have for your kids and the fact that you're a beast that doesn't know how to quit (Ya, I said it. You're a freakin beast) have combined into a very pivitol realization.  We have realized we're very very fortunate under the circumstances that Collin and Eden have no doubt in their mind, as of now, that you love them.  There is every reason to believe that this will never change.  The harsh reality though, is it is more than possible to love someone and have no respect for them.  You've known this fact for a long time but, it will take until you are 35 years old before you'll be able to relate to it on such a personal, fatherly level.  You have recognized the importance of Collin and Eden always knowing and feeling they are loved by you but, you must understand that equally as important- they must be able to RESPECT you.  The one and only way this will be possible is by living the way we've known all along we should be living.

It's really that simple.  Those two little angels are deserving of a father worthy of not only their affection but, also their respect as well.  After all they've given to us, the least we can do is get our battered body and soul up off the ground and fight for them once more.  It's time to heed the clarion call of Lehi: "Awake, my sons; put on the armor of righteousness.  Shake off the chains with which ye are bound, and come forth out of obscurity, and arise from the dust" (2 Nephi 1:23).  You must get up!  You must fight on!  You must bless their lives as they have blessed yours.  You haven't survived this nightmare for so long to come up short now.

 So, to wrap up my little status report to you,  I just want you to know that your heart hasn't failed you yet.  Your heart is still beating.  Your lungs are still breathing.  And as of today, 3/9/2014, you're more determined now than you've ever been.  The beautiful thing is your focus has been broadened from loving your children to include the importance of living a life that will qualify you to be respected by them.  I am optimistic with this combination.  It is very likely that this has been the missing piece of our little puzzle that we've so desperately needed.  I promised to go forward with faith and to end the nightmare you're about to enter.  Enough is enough.  There is opposition in all things but, it's time to experience the opposite end of the spectrum. Hang in there and I'll see you on the flip side.

Sincerely,


Adam

P.S.  Chin up buttercup!  The horizon looks much much better from where I'm standing today than from where you are right now.  You won't be able to see it for a while but, there IS light at the end of the tunnel.  Better days are here.

The simple request

In my last post I ended with what I said was the one rule on my blog but, it was really more of a plea: Please be kind to one another.  The reason it's my one simple request is because I have come to realize by going through what I've gone through that we're all just here in this life struggling it out the best way we know how.  Each of us is in our individual circumstances contending with our own personal struggles in the present tense.  That's obvious enough.  What I feel often gets overlooked is the fact that who and what we are is a culmination of a lifetime of experiences, a lifetime of decisions (both good and bad), a lifetime of external circumstances (both good and bad) including: influences of others, harm caused to us by others, environmental influences etc. All of which has lead us up to the very moment we find ourselves in right now, complete with the fears, tendencies, insecurities, anxieties and scars that often come with life experience.

I've come to be semi-patiently amused by people who perpetually insist on giving their two cents on everything they know nothing about.  They tend to say things such as "If I were you...I would..." (Go ahead and fill in the blanks.  I'm sure you've had plenty of instances yourself with people like this.  They're everywhere).  It's like, "No, actually you wouldn't.  Because if you WERE me, you would've done exactly as I did because you would've had every experience and circumstance in my life that led up to how I acted/behaved in the first place now wouldn't ya?"

I have been on the receiving end of rather unpleasant interaction caused by inaccurate assumptions people have made about me.  It's happened multiple times in the past, even very recent past.  Although hurtful, sometimes extremely, overall I'm largely OK with it because of the very fact of what I was saying earlier-It applies to me too.  If I was them, I'd be viewing the Prism of Life from their unique point of view, not mine own.  By operating with their set of circumstances, I would see, say, and do exactly as they did, no matter how much I liked it or not.  And I try and respect that.

But, attempting to respect it doesn't always take away the sting of when someone is unkind to us, let alone when someone "despitefully uses you, and persecutes you" (Mathew 5:44).   Even though this particular instance isn't a big deal,  I have an experience I'm going to share because it shows exactly why I feel it's important we all just be a little extra mindful of one another's feelings-you never know what's going on in someone's heart and mind.

A little over a year ago I was struggling with winter as I often do.  I posted something on Facebook about it in an effort to make light of my beef with winter, mostly so I could try I keep the mood in my own head from diving into a funk.  My post was intended to be completely harmless but, it rubbed one of my close friend's really wrong because of something they were going through that I was completely unaware of.  They had a close friend going through the death of their baby and here I was whining about the cold.  Their responses to me were a little unexpected and came off somewhat harsh to be honest.  I'm grateful it happened though because it spurred me to put pen to paper and gave me a chance to articulate some things that really need sorting out. Out of respect for their privacy, I'll leave out what was said to me.  Anyway, this and other correspondence I had had concurrently opened up a can of emotions that I've struggled with for the last several years.  I wrote the following as a response to the comments.  Luckily, it was way too long for Facebook to post as a comment so I didn't end up posting it.  Looking back, I don't think it would've been very good timing for me to be as open to the whole world back then as it is now.  This is definitely some of the "Infection" I've refered to so you might want to brace yourselves and please bear with me.  It's gonna get a little bit ugly.


Here it is:

"I think I'm going to do something I normally don't do on Facebook (or in real life for that matter)-I'm going to open up a little bit.  I'm going to do so with the hopes that, for whoever might care, will have the chance to be able to understand me a little better.  Sure, I'm really open about certain things in my life, such as my kids.  I'm certain most people have noticed that a large majority of my posts are regarding them.  After all, they are my world.  The rest of my posts are usually things that I find amusing, so I'll post them with the hopes that it might put a smile on somebody else's face.  But, before I go into some stuff that's very personal to me, I want to apologize to you (Name withheld), or anyone else if my posts have ever hurt your feelings or rubbed you the wrong way.  I would never ever intend to hurt anyone in general let alone people who I care so much about.  After reading your second comment and thinking about it, I can totally see why me griping about the cold weather would seem extremely petty and even weak in comparison to the loss that your friends just experienced. Especially since you read my post right after hearing the sad news.  And the fact is, it is weak in comparison.  I've never met them but, just hearing of the tragedy makes my heart ache for them.  I can't begin to imagine the pain they are going through right now or the pain they will continue to face going forward.  The thought of losing Collin or Eden is something I can't even bare thinking about.  I am so so sad that your friends are now required to live through such a heartbreaking experience.

Here's where I'm going to open up a little bit about me.  One thing is for certain, I can't perfectly relate to any parent who has had a little one pass away, as I've never had to experience that. I can however, relate to and understand loss on an extremely deep level.  I have experienced losing the person who I asked to spend eternity with me.  I didn't lose her due to death.  I lost her due to me. That fact alone, for me, massively compounds the pain associated with this particular instance of loss. I have experienced the death (so to speak) of an eternal family.  There are relationships within my once family unit that are now dead and gone, not temporarily, but, forever.  I have watched some of my most personal, sacred dreams die right before my eyes.  I am so very grateful that I live as close to my kids as I do.  I'm so very grateful that Shannon and I have such a good relationship considering our circumstances.  She does so much to make our situation as good as it possibly can be.  And for that, I'll be forever grateful.

I feel that the hardest part of the reality in which I live is the complexity of it all.  On the one hand, I truly do have faith that Heavenly Father is more than capable of consecrating any challenge/heartache/trial that we face for our good.  I do believe that that the hardships we go through, whether they're self-inflicted (which, most of mine are) or inflicted by others, can refine us IF we allow them to.  But, on the other hand, I also have to live with the effects of all the loss I currently experience on minute-to-minute, hour-to hour, day-to-day basis.  The effects seem never ending.  I could list a thousand examples of what I'm talking about but, I'm just going to write a couple to illustrate.  Take Christmas morning, for instance.  I didn't wake up on Christmas morning.  I didn't have to.  I had been laying in my bed wide awake all night long because my heart hurt so bad knowing that at any moment, Collin and Eden would be waking up (with the excitement and wonder that accompanies Christmas morning) and yet, I wouldn't be there to experience it with them.  Instead, I'd all by myself, absolutely and utterly alone four blocks away.  Did I get to see them shortly after that?  Yes, of course I did.  Am I grateful for that?  Immensely!  But, being sincerely grateful doesn't change the fact that the dynamics I have with my kids (and would-be eternal companion) are now forever changed.

How bout this one?  My little Eden will one day find someone who will want to sweep her off her feet and carry her off into the sunset.  Giving her away to someone else will be hard enough as it is.  There is always is a daddy/daughter dance at the wedding.  With the reality I now find myself in, I can't help but, ask: Who is she going to want to dance with?  Will it be me?  Will it not be me?  Will it be her step dad?  Will there be two dances?  Either way, nothing now is the way it could've been.

Not just big events like Christmas but, the everyday day-to-day things are something that I have to live with missing on a constant basis as well. Who gets to tuck my kids into bed at night? I don't.  Who eats breakfast with my kids and drops my son off to school in the mornings? I don't.  If Eden gets sick in the middle of the night, who gets up to tend to her?  That wouldn't be me either. Many fathers are absentee and couldn't care less if the didn't have get up, when they'd rather be sleeping to clean puke up in the middle of the night. Words can't describe what it would mean to me to be able to be in a position to be able to get up and clean up and comfort my little angel in instances like that! Like I said, I could go on and on and on with examples such as this but, there's no real need to.

See, considering what I've been through, I am actually an unjustifiably optimistic person. I don't prefer to mope around feeling sorry for myself, although I confess there are times that I do. I prefer to be aware and thankful for all that is good in my life.  I am keenly aware that I have many many blessings and things could always be worse. But, true to form with everything else in my life, insert complexity.

Aside from the loss and failures I've experienced (which, by the way, I take full accountability for) I also have had to endure the scourge of depression. I don't know why. I never asked for it. But, we rarely do ask for the internal battles that we find ourselves struggling with. The problem for me with depression is two fold: It runs counter to my natural inclination to be optimistic. And it has a way of compounding itself exponentially because of how conscientious I am of all that is good in my life. I try my best to be happy and hopeful. I try my best to have gratitude for the blessings I've been gifted. But, sprinkle an unhealthy dose of depression into my natural tendencies to be optimistic, and my predisposition to be aware of my blessings, and you come up with a complex, counteracting disaster. Every attempt that I make to acknowledge something positive in my life is countered by the harsh reality that always surrounds me. For example, when I get to be with my kids, no matter what we're doing, I do my best to live in the moment and appreciate every second that I do get to be with them. But, inevitably, my time spent with them is haunted by the fact that sooner rather than later, they will be going away from me again. The battle between my desire to be grateful/optimistic is always raging with my frail mortal body that is susceptible to depressive tendencies.  A battle, by the way, I'm determined to fight my whole life in order to win if necessary.

Once again, I could write a 1000 examples of how my battles with depression play out everyday. But, there's no point to because I sincerely do prefer to focus on things that are positive. I merely write the example to shed some light onto where I'm coming from. *As a side note-my dislike for the cold has a reason that runs far deeper than me just being fussy because I don't prefer a certain type of weather. The cold/winter/snow have a very large impact on my biochemical functionality.  Depression is ugly. It can be debilitating.  And It is very very real to me.  Since depression is such an omnipresent battle in my life, I just prefer the sunshine and being warm because, for whatever reason, I just feel my capacity to deal with it is increased when I am in those conditions.  And truth be told, I need all the help I can get.  Luckily, I've come to learn how to cope with depression pretty darn effectively.  I'd go as far as to say that I'm able to control it now whereas before, often times, it controlled me.

I guess the bottom line is, in many ways I am finally to a point where I've become thankful for the struggles I've had to experience. I haven't shared a lot of the things I've gone through or the feelings associated with them with very many people for several reasons.  First of all, I really do care about other people's feelings.  I don't want to be a rain cloud in anyone else's life.  My life the last several years has been filled with much pain and anguish.  I wouldn't want that bleeding out all over someone else and effecting them in a negative capacity.  Secondly, I am very aware that everybody experiences hardships in this life.  All of us are going through our own set of unique challenges.  I wouldn't be OK with, if me by sharing, somebody ended up feeling like I felt as if my life was SOO much harder than anyone else's-thereby rendering the perception that I was too busy feeling sorry for myself to be available to help them in their time of need, because I don't feel that way at all.  And thirdly, the pain of it all is so very personal.   I've tried to only share my experiences with people in situations where I've felt that it might be of some benefit to them.  Enough damage has been caused because of the hardships I've put myself through, the trials I've been put through, and the heartache I've put others through.  I have a humble hope that if and when I share, I might somehow, someway be able to help and lift others that are facing similar hardships as the ones I've experienced.  Rather than my story being a negative one that inadvertently brings other people down.

There's a hymn that has a few lines in it that have stood out to me every time I've heard it over the last several years.  It's the song "Lord, I Would Follow Thee."  In it is says: "In the quiet heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can't see." Then it goes on to say: "To the wounded and the weary
I would show a gentle heart."  These words are powerful to me.  I've tried my best to show a gentle heart to everyone I interact with for the very reason that I know all of us are suffering from, in one form or another,  a flavor(s) of "sorrow that the eye can't see."  I do know how it feels to be wounded and weary. I do know what it feels like to emotionally battered and spiritually beaten. I know how it feels to lose the most precious things in my life.  And because of how broken I was inside at one point, I know how it it feels to collapse on my bedroom floor and sob so violently that my tear ducts ruptured, blood and tears coming from my eyes as blood simultaneously flowed from my nose, and as I coughed up blood out my mouth.   All the while fearing I was literally going to suffocate on my own blood, snot and tears.

Unfortunately, the pain I experienced physically paled massively in comparison to the pain I felt inside. In short, I know what it feels like to have an agony so great, I didn't want to merely die.  Dying wouldn't have been enough...I wanted to completely and utterly cease to exist.  For my spirit to dissipate into the farthest expanses of space.  The pain became so great I slipped into what I can only describe as a sorrow induced coma.  I eventually passed out under the weight of it all and didn't wake up for almost 3 days.  As intense as the agony has been for me, I never have had any delusions that what I've been through have ever been any worse or any easier than the pain anyone else has had to live through.  I say this with no barb intended whatsoever but, I sometimes wish that the greatest trial any of us had to face was something as inconsequential as in-climate weather.  But, what would be the point of that?  None of us would have much of an opportunity to learn and grow if life didn't demand it.  And growth and refinement is part of God's plan, and so, I'm in favor of it even though it can hurt, and hurt deep.

After reading this I think people might be able to understand why I don't like to talk about it.  It has been my own personal journey to hell and back.  A journey I'm still on.  I haven't wanted to burden others with the unpleasantness of all of it.  I guess my hope for writing this is to merely give anybody who might care, a glimpse into what I've been going through.  I do feel like I've been, however unintentionally, misunderstood on multiple occasions by people dear to me.  I suppose I can only blame myself for that though.  How are people to know any different if I keep everything so locked up inside all of the time?

The bright side in all of this for me, is that because I am so closely acquainted with grief, I've been given an opportunity to have to have hope that healing is possible.  I do have that hope.  I do have that faith.  I have hope that any of my friends or family that are currently struggling with nightmares of their own might have comfort and the strength to heal.  I have hope for the family that lost their precious little 10 month old son that they may somehow someway find comfort, and their hearts may mend after such a tragedy.  I admit, It's harder for me to have the hope for myself that, I too, might by some miracle, come out from under all of this a better person.  But, I hang onto that hope.   Even if I'm just hanging on by a hangnail.  Please just know that I really am doing the best I can for what I've got to work with.

I don't necessarily expect anyone to have a response to this post. I didn't say any of this in an attempt to solicit pity or sympathy.  I just felt like it could give someone a chance to see some things through my point of view.  If anyone does have anything they'd like to say, please go ahead and send me a private message.  Even though I just made all of this very public by posting it online, I would still prefer any conversations regarding it going forward to be done in private between me and whoever might have something to add individually.

Love to you all!"



And so there you have it.  I highly doubt many people (except maybe that white haired guy at Target that one night who called me by name whom I'd never seen before that asked me if I was OK) would've been able to look me in the face and be able to see the hurricane of agony that has been raging in the confines of my mind for so long.  And what I shared was just a glimpse =).  But, so it is with us all.  Hence the charge by our Savior.  He said "A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.  By this shall men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another." (John 13: 34-35)

Years from now when Collin and Eden read this, this will ring home to them.  "Be kind to one another" is something they've heard me say many many many times.  I'm so grateful they have taken this little mantra to heart.  They are always kind to me.  Always have been.  It's a wonderful feeling when I get to watch them be kind to each other and to all the other people they interact with.  It comes to them naturally and I trust they'll carry that tendency with them as they grow, blessing more and more people as they go.

I am so grateful for all the kind people I have in my life.  I am very aware this entry is long and emotionally exhausting.  Trust me, I know.  I not only wrote it, I lived it.  But, luckily I really feel like I'm on the upswing now.  I've experienced a considerable amount of healing since a year ago when that long response was written.  And my journey all along the way has been lightened by the kindness of others.  I shared some pretty bleak experiences in this entry.  However I'd like to end with a mention of my four beautiful sisters that personified to me Christ's example of how I'd imagine He'd treat the broken hearted-me in this instance.

After the decision for Shannon and I had been made to get a divorce, I went home to my parents home in Idaho.  At the time, my little sisters Shauntel and Kelli were still living at home.  With everything being so fresh there's only one way to describe my state: I was a complete and utter train wreck.  I remember one night I was in my bedroom curled up in the fetal position on my bed softly as possible bawling my eyes out.  I had my head buried in my pillow cause I hate the way I sound when I cry and on top of that, I didn't want anyone else knowing.  Next thing I know, the door quietly opened up and Shaunie walked in, came over and sat on the edge of my bed.  She picked my head up off my pillow and rested it gently on her lap.  Kelli quietly came in too, sat on the other side and softly rubbed my back.  Neither said a word.  My angel sisters just let me cry it out as they loved me, in spite of me.

It's a very humbling thing to look back on that time.  I was the oldest brother who although far from perfect, had tried so hard for so long to be a good example to all my other siblings.  And there I was, laying in the wreckage of Hurricane Adam and they came to my rescue.  Although my sisters Kari and Rachel were living far away from where I was, they too treated me with unparralled kindness.  Kari would call me and patiently leave messages when I wouldn't answer my phone.  She knew it wasn't a matter of me not wanting to answer, it was a matter of me not being capable of answering because of how unbearable things were.  She too was an angel who patiently loved me through.

Not long after all this, I moved to Arizona for the first time.  Rachel took her turn tagging in as one of my guardian angels here on earth.  She called and text me every single day to make sure I was still alive and to reassure me that I was loved and had people who still believed in me.  These acts of kindness from my sisters surely played a pivotal part in fostering the environment that was necessary for my soul to begin to get back to where I could believe I worth saving. 

I am living proof that recieving kindness and compassion when all seems lost can make all the difference in the world, even to those in the most broken of circumstances.  And so, from the bottom of my heart, I thank all of those who have been kind to me.  And may we all make an effort to be just a little kinder to one another.  It is after all, what our Savior has charged us to do.

I have 3 main motivations for creating this blog:

The first and primary reason is because I want to express my love to my kids, Collin and Eden. I have been blessed with two of the most beautiful, wonderful children ever.  I know Heavenly Father sent me the kids He did for very specific reasons.  I believe they were sent to me because He knew they would be paramount in any chance I'd have in making it back to Him one day.  I do not deserve them. But, I will be eternally grateful for their ongoing influence on me.  They are, quite literally, the very reason my heart continues to beat.  They are my motivation to live and to continue fighting.  They are the light and love of my life. 

The Luckiest Dad Alive

The environment I find myself in today is not one I would've ever expected to be in while raising my kids.  Because of choices and mistakes I've made (which, by the way, I take full responsibility for) I am no longer married to their mom.  Because of this, my daily interaction with them is obviously far less than what I would've expected when I was starting my family.  Therefore,  I write this blog so my two little angels will one day be able to read through it and be able to learn more about their dad.  Where I've been.  What I've gone through.  I write with the hope and prayer that they will be wiser than I have been and have the desire to learn from the mistakes that have I have made, thereby potentially sparing them the consequences I now endure.  Mistakes that have cost so much and that have carried such indescribable amounts of pain and heart ache.

I do hope Collin and Eden will be able to learn from my mistakes but, I also want them to be able to learn from my successes.  Hopefully, by recording where I've been and what I've gone through to overcome what I am, there will be much positivity proceed from that.  I want to go down in their eyes as the most determined person they ever knew.  Determined to do what it took to be the man and father I was meant to be.  I am in the middle of the battles to become that person even in this very moment.  It makes sense to record it real time for when they're old enough to understand it.

The second reason I'm creating this blog is for myself.  The truth is, I've got a lot of infection in my heart and mind that I've got to work out.  I have a memory from my childhood that would be good to illustrate what I mean.  When I was 14 or 15 there was a place we'd go camping with our church Boy Scout troop.  It was called Falling Rock and it was a paradise for young boys that loved playing in the outdoors.  On this one occasion, as we often did, we got into a crazy competitive game of capture-the-flag.  This time though, our game was accompanied with a gnarly thunder storm.  The area when wet was extra slippery because of the massive amount of vegetation growing everywhere.  I snagged the enemies flag and took off going a 100 miles an hour (I was that fast =) ) with 3-4 guys chasing after me.  Ever since I was little I've always had the "Go big/fast or go home" mentality.  I came flying over one of the smaller cliffs that dove immediately into a steep slope.  When I hit the slick slope, I went into an instant out of control slide.  I threw my hands back into the ground to try and slow my momentum.  My hands hit every rock and branch the entire way down.  In the process, my right hand got split wide open and completely filled with gravel and dirt.

Falling Rock-Our old stomping grounds

As my hand bled all over the place, I made my way up to the cabin so I could get it cleaned up and taken care of.  The cut was bad and the rocks were buried deep.  My dad was one of the Scout masters.  He did his best to clean it up and get as much of the crap out as he could.  The problem was, there was a rock so deep and it hurt so bad, that I didn't allow my dad to finish cleaning it out.  I could take a lot of pain but, I could only take so much.  We both knew it was in there.  We both knew that it'd be really bad news if we left it in there.  But, I, being a big fat baby, insisted he just leave it alone, promising we'd "figure it out later".

Well, waiting didn't help make digging it out later hurt any less.  So, I just left it in there.  My body decided to do the best it could to minimize the damage and began to heal the rest of my hand.  My hand became hard and calloused over top of where the rock was buried.  Eventually, it started to hurt less but, there was the glaring reality that there was STILL a rock buried in my hand.  Pretending there wasn't did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.  Anyway, long story longer, my body eventually worked the rock out completely on it's own cause one way or the other, it had to come out. And when it came out, it was a disgusting infected mess.  It was gross and it stunk...like literally smelled awful.  Of course it had to happen at a dance we were having at a youth conference.   Sure loved having that as the topic of discussion among the young women-Not.

I guess the point is, I've been through some serious stuff over the last several years and I can't pretend that everything is completely ok yet.  I've got to dig out the causes of my proverbial infections and deal with them in a healthy way, rather than letting them sit and fester for another decade, if I'm ever going to be able to truly heal properly.  Because of that, I will give any who might read this a heads up that for the first little while on this blog, it's not going to be very pleasant.  Quite the contrary actually.  I imagine getting years and years of infection out will be rather cantankerous, so please bear with me as I work it out. 

I guess this brings me to my third motivation for writing.  I finally believe from the bottom of my heart that it's possible for me to heal.  And if it's possible for someone as broken as me to heal, it's most certainly possible for anyone else to heal as well.  I will be writing this blog with the hopes that if by some small chance a stranger, or a friend, or family member happens to come across this, they might find hope in something I share.  I have debated heavily in my mind whether or not to leave this blog open or have it closed.  I have consider this for several reasons.  First, I'm going to be largely talking to my kids.  I'm a very private person and I've been concerned about the repercussions of people other than them knowing my business.  I realize not all the things I write about will be age appropriate to them for a while.  Secondly, a lot of the stuff I have to say won't cast me in a particularly positive light.  A lot of what I have put myself through, I'm not proud of.  By disclosing my history and what I've been through I will be opening myself up to judgement and even ridicule, I suppose. Thirdly,  I wouldn't want to embarrass my kids or anybody else that's close to me. 

Having weighed all that very seriously, I guess I've come to a point in my life where I just don't care anymore what people might think of me.  If my story could help one other person on this planet  feel like they aren't utterly alone in the struggles they may be going through,  it'd be worth any and all negative attention that might come my way for being open.  It would be such a large waste to hide my experiences if those very experiences could be even the smallest help to someone else out there in need.  I guess one positive thing is, by being open and honest, no person alive will ever be able to accuse me of being anything less than sincere.

One other thing I'll say is I am Mormon.  A very very imperfect Mormon. I was raised in an LDS family and I happen to believe what I was taught with all my heart.  In my life I've lived according to what I was taught but, I've also had seasons where I've strayed from what I believe to be true.  The times I've spent living closest to what I believe have been the happiest, most peaceful times in my life.  The times I have strayed from that which I feel to be true  have been the darkest, most lonely, empty, and miserable times in my life.  I do not believe that is a coincidence.  A lot what I have to say will be with the pretense of having an LDS background.  I am very well aware that not everyone believes the exact same things I do and that's perfectly OK with me.  We all have reasons for believing what we do.  I respect all  who are trying to be good decent people irregardless of their specific beliefs.   But, I've only got one background to work with so that's the one I'm gonna roll with.  Mormons are peculiar for sure, I won't deny that.  If anybody reads this and is confused by what I write within a religious context, please feel free to ask me questions.  I'll do my best to answer.

So, with all that being said, feel free to read my madness if you feel so inclined.

I only have one rule on my blog: PLEASE BE KIND TO ONE ANOTHER