I have 3 main motivations for creating this blog:

The first and primary reason is because I want to express my love to my kids, Collin and Eden. I have been blessed with two of the most beautiful, wonderful children ever.  I know Heavenly Father sent me the kids He did for very specific reasons.  I believe they were sent to me because He knew they would be paramount in any chance I'd have in making it back to Him one day.  I do not deserve them. But, I will be eternally grateful for their ongoing influence on me.  They are, quite literally, the very reason my heart continues to beat.  They are my motivation to live and to continue fighting.  They are the light and love of my life. 

The Luckiest Dad Alive

The environment I find myself in today is not one I would've ever expected to be in while raising my kids.  Because of choices and mistakes I've made (which, by the way, I take full responsibility for) I am no longer married to their mom.  Because of this, my daily interaction with them is obviously far less than what I would've expected when I was starting my family.  Therefore,  I write this blog so my two little angels will one day be able to read through it and be able to learn more about their dad.  Where I've been.  What I've gone through.  I write with the hope and prayer that they will be wiser than I have been and have the desire to learn from the mistakes that have I have made, thereby potentially sparing them the consequences I now endure.  Mistakes that have cost so much and that have carried such indescribable amounts of pain and heart ache.

I do hope Collin and Eden will be able to learn from my mistakes but, I also want them to be able to learn from my successes.  Hopefully, by recording where I've been and what I've gone through to overcome what I am, there will be much positivity proceed from that.  I want to go down in their eyes as the most determined person they ever knew.  Determined to do what it took to be the man and father I was meant to be.  I am in the middle of the battles to become that person even in this very moment.  It makes sense to record it real time for when they're old enough to understand it.

The second reason I'm creating this blog is for myself.  The truth is, I've got a lot of infection in my heart and mind that I've got to work out.  I have a memory from my childhood that would be good to illustrate what I mean.  When I was 14 or 15 there was a place we'd go camping with our church Boy Scout troop.  It was called Falling Rock and it was a paradise for young boys that loved playing in the outdoors.  On this one occasion, as we often did, we got into a crazy competitive game of capture-the-flag.  This time though, our game was accompanied with a gnarly thunder storm.  The area when wet was extra slippery because of the massive amount of vegetation growing everywhere.  I snagged the enemies flag and took off going a 100 miles an hour (I was that fast =) ) with 3-4 guys chasing after me.  Ever since I was little I've always had the "Go big/fast or go home" mentality.  I came flying over one of the smaller cliffs that dove immediately into a steep slope.  When I hit the slick slope, I went into an instant out of control slide.  I threw my hands back into the ground to try and slow my momentum.  My hands hit every rock and branch the entire way down.  In the process, my right hand got split wide open and completely filled with gravel and dirt.

Falling Rock-Our old stomping grounds

As my hand bled all over the place, I made my way up to the cabin so I could get it cleaned up and taken care of.  The cut was bad and the rocks were buried deep.  My dad was one of the Scout masters.  He did his best to clean it up and get as much of the crap out as he could.  The problem was, there was a rock so deep and it hurt so bad, that I didn't allow my dad to finish cleaning it out.  I could take a lot of pain but, I could only take so much.  We both knew it was in there.  We both knew that it'd be really bad news if we left it in there.  But, I, being a big fat baby, insisted he just leave it alone, promising we'd "figure it out later".

Well, waiting didn't help make digging it out later hurt any less.  So, I just left it in there.  My body decided to do the best it could to minimize the damage and began to heal the rest of my hand.  My hand became hard and calloused over top of where the rock was buried.  Eventually, it started to hurt less but, there was the glaring reality that there was STILL a rock buried in my hand.  Pretending there wasn't did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.  Anyway, long story longer, my body eventually worked the rock out completely on it's own cause one way or the other, it had to come out. And when it came out, it was a disgusting infected mess.  It was gross and it stunk...like literally smelled awful.  Of course it had to happen at a dance we were having at a youth conference.   Sure loved having that as the topic of discussion among the young women-Not.

I guess the point is, I've been through some serious stuff over the last several years and I can't pretend that everything is completely ok yet.  I've got to dig out the causes of my proverbial infections and deal with them in a healthy way, rather than letting them sit and fester for another decade, if I'm ever going to be able to truly heal properly.  Because of that, I will give any who might read this a heads up that for the first little while on this blog, it's not going to be very pleasant.  Quite the contrary actually.  I imagine getting years and years of infection out will be rather cantankerous, so please bear with me as I work it out. 

I guess this brings me to my third motivation for writing.  I finally believe from the bottom of my heart that it's possible for me to heal.  And if it's possible for someone as broken as me to heal, it's most certainly possible for anyone else to heal as well.  I will be writing this blog with the hopes that if by some small chance a stranger, or a friend, or family member happens to come across this, they might find hope in something I share.  I have debated heavily in my mind whether or not to leave this blog open or have it closed.  I have consider this for several reasons.  First, I'm going to be largely talking to my kids.  I'm a very private person and I've been concerned about the repercussions of people other than them knowing my business.  I realize not all the things I write about will be age appropriate to them for a while.  Secondly, a lot of the stuff I have to say won't cast me in a particularly positive light.  A lot of what I have put myself through, I'm not proud of.  By disclosing my history and what I've been through I will be opening myself up to judgement and even ridicule, I suppose. Thirdly,  I wouldn't want to embarrass my kids or anybody else that's close to me. 

Having weighed all that very seriously, I guess I've come to a point in my life where I just don't care anymore what people might think of me.  If my story could help one other person on this planet  feel like they aren't utterly alone in the struggles they may be going through,  it'd be worth any and all negative attention that might come my way for being open.  It would be such a large waste to hide my experiences if those very experiences could be even the smallest help to someone else out there in need.  I guess one positive thing is, by being open and honest, no person alive will ever be able to accuse me of being anything less than sincere.

One other thing I'll say is I am Mormon.  A very very imperfect Mormon. I was raised in an LDS family and I happen to believe what I was taught with all my heart.  In my life I've lived according to what I was taught but, I've also had seasons where I've strayed from what I believe to be true.  The times I've spent living closest to what I believe have been the happiest, most peaceful times in my life.  The times I have strayed from that which I feel to be true  have been the darkest, most lonely, empty, and miserable times in my life.  I do not believe that is a coincidence.  A lot what I have to say will be with the pretense of having an LDS background.  I am very well aware that not everyone believes the exact same things I do and that's perfectly OK with me.  We all have reasons for believing what we do.  I respect all  who are trying to be good decent people irregardless of their specific beliefs.   But, I've only got one background to work with so that's the one I'm gonna roll with.  Mormons are peculiar for sure, I won't deny that.  If anybody reads this and is confused by what I write within a religious context, please feel free to ask me questions.  I'll do my best to answer.

So, with all that being said, feel free to read my madness if you feel so inclined.

I only have one rule on my blog: PLEASE BE KIND TO ONE ANOTHER