Dear (21 year old) Adam,

Hey there Adam,

It's your 35 year old self.  I wanted to write you this letter and give you an update on how you're doing in life.  As you read this, you're fresh off of your mission and full of hope and fire.  You served an honorable mission and your heart is in the right place in every aspect of your life.  You always have had a heart of gold and the best of intentions. That is why it saddens me so deeply to have to tell you all that I'm about to.

Somehow between where you were (with all your tender hearted ambitions) and where you are now, 14 years later, you lost yourself somewhere along the way.  Life hasn't turned out even remotely close to how you hoped.  You have so much pain and sorrow up ahead.  You will experience failure in every facet of your life that will leave you so battered.  So broken.  You will experience what it feels like for your heart to shatter to the point where you will beg God to allow you to cease to exist.  You will feel the harrowing torment that comes as a result of losing the woman you'd asked to spend eternity with you due to your failure to live the way you know you should.

Even though you didn't ask for it, because of the things you were exposed to as an innocent child, you will experience depression and addiction.  Even with that heart of gold of yours, you will come to disappoint and hurt the people closest to you.  You will try with all sincerity to correct your faults and mistakes, yet you will fail in every single effort to make the changes needed for long enough to have it matter.

On top of the personal and family failures you've got coming, you also have some monster business disasters that are about to own you.  In short, the impending mountains of disappointment combined with betrayal you'll face, added to the consequent depression and adverse affects this will have on your emotional well being, it will all lead to the "Perfect Storm" the adversary has been waiting for for you to be reduced to a state in which you will be vulnerable enough to do things you'd never think you are capable of doing right now.  And in the process you will lose every single thing that ever meant anything to you.

I am so so embarrassed and sorry to have to admit all this to you.  I know exactly what you'd be thinking if I was back in your spot reading this right now.  You wouldn't believe a single word of it.  Why would you?  You were raised so much better than this.  You, like Nephi of old, can legitimately declare that you were born of "goodly" parents.  Mom and Dad's example and guidance has been unwavering.  You have spent an entire lifetime preparing for, and the last two years teaching everything that runs contrary to the nightmare being described to you in this letter.  But, irregardless of your disbelief in where you're about to go or irrespective of the disbelief I have as sit here with right now as I contemplate where I've been, it doesn't matter.  It's on the horizon.  All of it and more.  And it's raging toward you very rapidly.  So it is with a heavy heart but, I must warn you to brace yourself because the storm of your lifetime is coming.

This letter isn't intended to be as horribly defeating as an outsider looking in might mistakenly view it.  There are few key things about where you end up after all the heartbreak you have to go through that are actually quite positive.  I humbly but, confidently can say that today you are a compassionate, loving person.  You don't have a single judgmental bone left in your body.  You are continuously aware that you have so much about yourself you need to work on, you don't waste precious time nit picking other people's short comings. You just love them anyway.  You have had many opportunities to suffer because of the selfish actions of others.  As a result, you have developed the powerful and spiritually imperative ability to forgive and to do so quickly.

This is just an observation but, I've noticed you have an uncanny ability to crash and burn in epic fashion.  No offense but, I don't quite know exactly what your deal is.  In fact, my mind is effectively blown as I contemplate this not so little character flaw of ours.  However ridiculous our "all or nothing" tendency has been, and even though it's caused us a disproportionate amount of unnecessary trouble in our life, there is a silver lining to this one.  By crashing as hard and often as you have, you have learned how to get up.  And to get up again.  And again.  And again!  There have been times when you've laid in a busted up heap for longer than you should have but, you always do get up for one more round.  And that smells a lot like determination to me-The very thing you want your kids to know you for most of all when you go down for the last and final time.  So, in reality, Heavenly Father, in his tender mercy, is consecrating your mistakes for your good even though you're an idiot lol.  By, the way, lol stands for "Laugh out loud".  You'll come to learn that before too long.  You wouldn't understand now because your current phone isn't even capable of sending or recieving what is called a "text message".  Sorry, your phone isn't as cool as you think it is.  I digress.  Focus Adam.  Focus.

There are some other invaluable lessons you've learn as a result of ending up as a heartbreaking divorce statistic.  You will be blessed with the most adorable, kind, loving and wonderful son and daughter you could possibly imagine.  Collin and Eden will be your saving grace.  The Lord is merciful and He loves you.  They are evidence of that.  He knew what would happen in your life long before everything fell apart, including your temple marriage.  You have had to believe that He would have contingencies in place to compensate where you will come up short.  And the truth is, He has.



 Once again, there is a silver lining present in this aspect of your life as well.  Although you're in for agony caused by loneliness that your mind isn't capable of comprehending right now, you will develop a love and appreciation for your kids that I don't believe you would've been able to develop otherwise.  In your case, absence truly does make the heart grow fonder.  Because you aren't with them nearly as much as you would like, you are always thinking of them.  You make the time count when you are with them.  Your relationship with them is not ordinary.  It is very special and all three of you can feel it.  Most importantly, they know you love them.  They know it Adam.  So you haven't failed completely.  Never ever forget that because it counts.

And so, as it stands right now, you've come to a pretty critical point in you journey.  The love you have for your kids and the fact that you're a beast that doesn't know how to quit (Ya, I said it. You're a freakin beast) have combined into a very pivitol realization.  We have realized we're very very fortunate under the circumstances that Collin and Eden have no doubt in their mind, as of now, that you love them.  There is every reason to believe that this will never change.  The harsh reality though, is it is more than possible to love someone and have no respect for them.  You've known this fact for a long time but, it will take until you are 35 years old before you'll be able to relate to it on such a personal, fatherly level.  You have recognized the importance of Collin and Eden always knowing and feeling they are loved by you but, you must understand that equally as important- they must be able to RESPECT you.  The one and only way this will be possible is by living the way we've known all along we should be living.

It's really that simple.  Those two little angels are deserving of a father worthy of not only their affection but, also their respect as well.  After all they've given to us, the least we can do is get our battered body and soul up off the ground and fight for them once more.  It's time to heed the clarion call of Lehi: "Awake, my sons; put on the armor of righteousness.  Shake off the chains with which ye are bound, and come forth out of obscurity, and arise from the dust" (2 Nephi 1:23).  You must get up!  You must fight on!  You must bless their lives as they have blessed yours.  You haven't survived this nightmare for so long to come up short now.

 So, to wrap up my little status report to you,  I just want you to know that your heart hasn't failed you yet.  Your heart is still beating.  Your lungs are still breathing.  And as of today, 3/9/2014, you're more determined now than you've ever been.  The beautiful thing is your focus has been broadened from loving your children to include the importance of living a life that will qualify you to be respected by them.  I am optimistic with this combination.  It is very likely that this has been the missing piece of our little puzzle that we've so desperately needed.  I promised to go forward with faith and to end the nightmare you're about to enter.  Enough is enough.  There is opposition in all things but, it's time to experience the opposite end of the spectrum. Hang in there and I'll see you on the flip side.

Sincerely,


Adam

P.S.  Chin up buttercup!  The horizon looks much much better from where I'm standing today than from where you are right now.  You won't be able to see it for a while but, there IS light at the end of the tunnel.  Better days are here.